Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Depression Again

Occasionally I still find myself in the throes of depression.

I am not really sure what starts the episodes – not so much something weather or some other environmental factor, that I can tell. Sometimes it does not even seem to be related to anything that is currently going on in my life. It can be a thing as random as a thought or a song, a turn of phrase that sets my mind running.

My depression also seems to have changed in how it manifests itself as well. Before it seemed to be this overwhelming sense of grief and hopelessness. Now, it seems to just to be this quiet little sense of despair that hangs with me throughout the day.

It is not crippling, at least not like it used to be. I can go for hours or days with it hardly interfering with my life. I have learned to (or at least it feels like I have learned) to manage it in a way that most people would not recognize that it is going on. Soldiering through, or some such phrase to cover such events, the expected course for something that is hardly visible to most.

It seems much more poignant that it used to be as well, as if it were hitting on the touch points of my soul, an old enemy that knows how to maximize the sadness and pain. Little things, forgotten things – the way the wheat comes up in the pots, a song from the long ago (always the music), a writing exercise that suddenly explodes in flashes of emotional ruin, leaving a stark trail of painful words on a page and me reeling.

I do not know really what to do about it. It does not cripple me to the point of not being able function, it is just more of low grade problem: the knee the hurts when you walk on it or the speck in your eye that will not seem to flush out.


It mutes the color of living – but then again, even in the muted season of winter, one can still find beauty.

8 comments:

  1. It has been said that the devil loves to remind us of our past, but God loves to remind us of our future. It helps me to concentrate on His voice. I also find it helpful to read His promises aloud. Hang in there, brother.

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    1. Thanks Reverend. You are right - so easy to remind of our past because it is and the future has not yet been - the real future, beyond this life. Your blog today was incredibly helpful in this regard.

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  2. Coincidentally I was just writing about how my depression was looming the last few days. Mine mostly goes along with the weather these days though. I do experience bouts that come out of nowhere. Besides Alex, who is wonderfully supportive, I feel extremely misunderstood. That goes along with my bouts of out-of-the-blue panic. Misunderstood. People will give advice that I'm sure is meaningful, but most of the time quite useless. I've heard them all..."you can choose to be happy", "just breathe through it", "go out for a walk"...anyway, just to say I know what you're going through. What I've decided to do is just accept it. I used to fight it at all costs...try this, try that, but I had no motivation and felt even more like a failure when I'd lose interest in the things I was trying to do to get a hold on the depression or anxiety! So now, I just allow it to happen. It isn't crippling for me either anymore and Alex understands completely so I feel no pressure to be "happy and normal"...I just roll with it and make more cheese dinners! That really does help me! :)

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    1. I read it! Funny how our minds run along the same thing.

      Oddly enough, I was also thinking the same thoughts as I walked tonight. Trite phrase about endurance, although often well meant, somehow seem completely unhelpful at times. I am trying to learn where I get caught up - if I just let the depression wash over me it often passes but if I give it footholds - if I hold onto it or focus in a particular area - then it stays. It seems I like to clutch it so.

      Cheese helps almost everything.

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  3. TB - you keep plugging away buddy and i enjoy that. depression is an awful thing - i just read a blog post by a woman who was on anti-depressants for five years, and started confiding in her female friends and it turned out that all of them were on something for anxiety and/or depression.

    i used to get depressed but it wasn't real depression - i was working too hard and too many days a week for too many years...since i quit my job and we moved here it is much better. but i still get those days. and now after a few years i understand why - if it's grey or rainy or foggy for too many days...i feel my energy sapped. and if i have been eating bad food - again - i will have a few days of feeling depressed.

    so what i recommend for you is what i recommend for myself - eat whole, nutrient-dense food, walk around the house even only one time if it is crappy out, but if it is a nice sunny day - get out there and walk around the house 2 or 3 times - even 7 times. exercise. i have been doing 20 seconds of running followed by 20 seconds of walking - i can't believe how good it feels. keep up with your own exercise regimen and do what works for you. have you tried swimming? doing small laps in a pool works wonders...during the summer i swim in the river and/or ocean. i don't swim much - certainly not olympic-grade - but the motion is so wonderful and you can get that in a pool.

    lastly - sunshine. even in the winter if it is a sunny-blue day - we go out in our bathrobes, take them off, and run around nekkid in the snow. of course we then jump in the hottub. but getting a good amount of sunshine every day is critical to my well-being.

    i hope this comment helps and i hope that you know that all of us feel depressed at certain times of the year, certain days of the year, certain hours of the day - you get my drift.

    lastly - see if you can't find the time, at least once a day to thank the sun. just sit in your yard and thank the sun. or take a small break at the office, sit outside and thank the sun. other things will come to your mind if you let them. and then in the evening - thank the moon. just a minute or two. go outside and thank the moon. the sun and the moon are in our souls, in our dna, in our...well, you are a scientist so i am sure i am not explaining anything new to you. take time each day to thank the sun, and each eve to thank the moon.

    i am sending you sooo much love! your friend,
    kymber

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    1. Thanks Kymber. This month has been especially hard, what with the end of school coming on and college choices and work (which seems to have exploded). I do know that the less time I have to do something for myself, the more likely I am to fall into a depression. I am trying to work on finding smaller ways to break up the monotony, as you suggest - even a quick walk back and again can help.

      I managed to injure myself as well, so not being able to exercise this week is not helping.

      Thanks for the kind thoughts!

      Much love, TB

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    2. holy moly - i twisted my hip or banged it and now i am limping for the past 2 days. we need to take better care of ourselves...we're at that icky age eh? xoxox

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    3. I guess Kymber. I have more problems in the last year than I had in the previous 20.

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