I find myself restless.
Not restless as I have been before, feeling like I was pushing at the edges of boundaries, or that I was against an unknown that I was not sure of what was next. No, this is flat out "I really do not belong here anymore" - but I do not know what the next step is.
Whether it is throwing, my church, the city in which I live, the place where I work - I feel that I have somehow crossed a threshold of no longer belonging there. I am the point where disengagement with most of things in my life seems more natural and fulfilling than further engagement.
It seems to have been slowly coming about all week as more and more places, people, and things begin to fade in appeal. It is not that these things have changed I suspect, rather that something within me has.
There is still engagement of course, but the band is narrowing. Iai and the things that support it have become more important. Continuing to garden - even in my own broken way. Reading. Staying healthy.
The circle of people is starting to contract as well. I was surprised to realize that outside of throwing and work, my circle only extends to about 36 people I physically interact with. That is not a lot - and with a simple change of activities, that number drops to 10 or less.
There is a next step out there, somewhere, a place that is calling to me even though I do not know its name yet. It is the sort of thing that is a life change, I suspect. And the sort of thing that requires a going out with the realization that I will never return to the way things were.
I find as I get older that people come to me with their trash. Or their chips on their shoulders. Or their baggage. I don't get it - I can't deal with my own baggage, never mind theirs.
ReplyDeleteI de-cluttered and disengaged. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, honestly. I am becoming less dependent on people and more like a hermit and everyone seems to agree that it's a bad thing to be like that... but I have yet to see a downside.
Glen, your thoughts really mirror my own - I am not so aware of people bringing me their trash (but maybe they are), but I have been overtaken by a burning need to declutter. And as I am thinking again and again, my circle of people grows smaller - I counted today, and outside of work, my actual "people I see and talk to on a semi regular basis" is maybe 26. But I am not finding a down side to it either, at least not now.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it is less and less other dependent and more and more self reliant - not just in the "I can provide for myself" way but in the "I can be alone with myself" way. And I do not see how that is bad.