It usually comes at moments when I feel completely lost between what I though my calling was meant to be and what it has turned out to be. Sometimes it feels as if every interest, everything thing I try to be good at, is 100% opposed to the way my life really exists.
I firmly believe God to be in control of my life and, as in fact He is God and I am not, am scarcely in the position to question His decisions. But I still do, of course. My faith is that weak.
"How is it," I wonder to myself out loud, "that I am so far removed from anyone and anything that I find remotely interesting? Yes, making money is a good thing (and necessary at the current time, more than ever), but how does that square with everything else I love and feel like I do well?" The answer never comes back - after all, arguing with God tends to be a one-sided affair.
And reading about the success of others, at least in this respect, is no more of an assistance. Reading about what people have accomplished half my age or when they had become my age brings less of a drive for success and more of a mental lashing of opportunities missed and "Dear-Lord-What-Is-Wrong-With-You?"
The only thing I have to take refuge in moments like this is simply God's goodness. It is reasonably apparent, I suppose, that He does not need me to do the things that I think He does - because I see people more infinitely qualified doing them. If He needs me, He will suddenly call me. If not, there is some purpose that not using them is fulfilling as well, if for no other reason than I am not detracting from someone that has more ability and platform than I.
It makes me a bit sad and despondent, of course, contemplating an immediate future that seems no different than the present I have now. But perhaps that, too, is part of the lesson that God is trying to teach me.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
♥
When I was a kid, I opened up the back of my grandfather's pocket watch, which had apparently stopped running before I was born. The thing had jammed from being overwound. I can still see the maze of gears in my mind, as if I saw it yesterday. I moved the mainspring escapement a few times, noting that the gears moved a bit every time. After doing this about a dozen times, I guess I relieved the spring enough for the watch to start running again. It worked right from then on. That watch sat, dead-stopped, in drawer for decades until I was born, grew, and became curious enough to do this.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things; you may be "sitting in the drawer" right now, waiting for someone to get you going again. You may be the one who will, at some point, unburden someone else's mainspring.
One thing's for sure; looking back on that maze of gears in Grandpa's watch, I realized that the importance of the gear was not determined by its size, or its RPM. The importance of each gear was measured by the fact that, if it wasn't in its place, SOMETHING wouldn't work right!
Rest assured, TB; we're a part of something SO much bigger than ourselves, and NONE OF US will be wasted by God! Have faith...
Thanks Linda. Apparently this post had not quite the intention I thought it did - my father, who also reads this, asked in our weekly all if everything was okay.
ReplyDeletePete - Thank you for the story - that is equally vivid and understandable as a story and an analogy (and I am totally stealing it!).
ReplyDeleteIt does feel like I am "sitting in the drawer right now" - in fact, it feels like I am being pushed farther and farther back, among the unmatched socks and knick-knacks. And I can point to examples - none in the present - where I have helped the mainspring of someone else's life begin moving again. But that feeling really seems to be past at the moment. The walls of life seem to be rising higher and higher, closing me out as the world moves on.
I do believe your statement that in God's economy, none of us are wasted. It is just difficult to see that sometimes.
Thanks for the great comment!