Depression Again?

This would be - should be - the part of the morning where I sit down and write a smart, well thought entry about some aspect of life.

Unfortunately, there are no smart, well though out entries this morning.

There is only the dull roar of another day.

This is not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to have a life that was fulfilling, exciting, perhaps even a touch adventurous at times. Now, the adventure in my life constitutes if I will wake up at 0345 or 0430.

Looking at it honestly, I think I might be depressed - which is odd, because it does not seem like the depression that I am typically used to. Usually depression is a black cloud, a series of dark feelings that I simply cannot get out from under, a long sense of dull sadness.

This, if it is depression, is different. It's not a black cloud, it's the sense that life is constantly running away from me. It's a general sense of always being tired and never seeming to get enough sleep - but tortured by the fact that every hour of sleep is one less hour I get to spend awake doing something not job related. It's the rolling over and looking at the clock every morning to realize that it's another day, seemingly like the last one - with your mind already filling with everything you have to accomplish.

It's the leeching away of any sense of joy or anticipation of life, leaving behind the structure of living with nothing to replace it.