I have not posted as I should have on my visits with my mother, possibly because there is much less to tell.
There were two attempted visits with my mother in April: the first I arrived and she was asleep. The young woman started to wake Mom up but I waved her off; there was plenty of time to come down again. The next visit a couple of days later went much better. She was at least awake and if she did not recognize me (I do not know that she does now), she hid it readily enough. I shared the hike we had been on and the updates for Na Clann, the usual things that we cover month in and month out. The visit was not more than 20 minutes.
This week I went by to visit as well.
My sister had given my a heads up: when she had visited for Mother's Day, Mom was very much interested in a conversation going on near them, not so much in a conversation with my sister herself. After a bit, my sister just listened and then helped Mom back in. So when I arrived, I was ready for something of a disengagement.
When the health aides went to get her, she did not want to stand up and come over. No problem, I said, I can come sit over there. I came and sat and just started displaying photos on my phone of our hike in Hetch Hetchy and the graduation/college status of Na Clann and our upcoming vacation. She seemed interested in the pictures and about Na Clann's status as she always is.
I believe my sign-in/sign-out time was 9 minutes total. No sense prolonging what seemed to be a slightly uncomfortable experience for her.
I am loathe to admit that we may be entering a new stage with my mother. Perhaps it makes sense: this June will be two years since she came to this facility and from her point of view, this is home. This place, these residents, are what she sees and remembers on a daily basis (if she remembers anything short term). My sister and I are presences that more and more are likely becoming remote at best and unknown at worst.
This is a natural progression. For all of my dislike and even fear of it, it is natural. I try and go into each visit with no expectations. When I have seen something in the past, some flash of memory, I rejoice. But I have to counsel myself that as this goes longer and longer, the flashes will likely become less and less until they gutter out completely.
Sometimes, there is nothing to do about the darkness except to accept its coming and know there is a dawn which is beyond my physical eyes.
Two years ago, I and my beloved wife went through the same grieving process that your currently in. It's hard and often conflicting. It's part of being a real human being.
ReplyDeleteSomeone very important in your life is mostly gone. A shell maintained by medical science and mostly caring staff keeps the slowly fading shell "Alive".
But it is our duty to take care of our parents as best as we can. We don't currently live in a bare survival environment like the Eskimos that traditionally gave them a farewell party before abandoning them to the ice as to save the rest of the clan.
But the Eskimos grieved and so do we. It's part of how we deal with the circle of life. Only sociopaths don't grieve, nor suffer loss when someone "USEFUL to them passes.
“Non nobis solum nati sumus.
(Not for ourselves alone are we born.)”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero
Micah 6: 8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Grasp the peace of God and do your duty as you see fit. In Matthew 11 Jesus wept, so God knows our pains.
You're in my prayers, friend
Thank you Michael. I appreciate it all, especially the Cicero quote (but perhaps that is not surprising).
DeleteCan't post what Michael already said so succinctly. You and yours are in the prayer rotation TB.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nylon12. I agree, it was very well said.
DeleteYour approach is good; you take each visit as it comes. This is not a path I would wish on anyone, but one some of us must walk. Praying.
ReplyDeleteThank you sbrgirl. Perhaps fortunately, I was able to start on this path early in terms of setting aside expectations. I cannot imagine what it would be like going into them.
DeleteWhat amazing and perceptive children your parents raised. I'm glad your mom has you two to watch over and care for her. Your honoring her is a picture of Proverbs 23:22. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteI like to think they did at least an okay job, STxAR. Thank you.
DeleteJust curious - do you ever bring pictures of her from when she was younger? Perhaps ask her to comment on them if she recalls anything?
ReplyDeleteNot specifically, no. Now I would be a little concerned to show anything that involved my father lest that trigger memories we cannot control.
DeleteI will note she not mentioned any of her family - parents, brother, sister - in a very long time.
Prayers, TB.
ReplyDeleteYou all be safe and God bless.
Thank you Linda.
DeleteI was watching a Nova program earlier with my daughter about the mysteries of the mind. In one case, a woman was nearly blind in one eye. A researcher could display the item for a few seconds and the woman wouldn't be able to see it. Yet she was still able to correctly identify the item in a lineup more times than not when asked to guess what the item might have been. Basically providing that the brain may be grasping what it is seeing even if you don't know.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me wonder if such a thing could possibly be occurring with your mother.
Ed, the brain remains one of the great internal frontiers we know so little about. I do not expect to see significant advances in our knowledge of it in my lifetime, but perhaps in this century.
DeleteOne area I can think of - both in reading and in personal experience - are scents and music. Those seem to occupy pockets of the brain that are unrelated to memory recall as a scent or a song can suddenly bring back a flood of memories. From what the staff has told us, my mother still remembers a great deal of music (e.g. words to songs).