A Sort Of Hammerfalll and Looking Back

 Longer time readers of this blog may recall that in 2020 I went through what I called "A Sort of Hammerfall", the result of which was a change in my career path from my then-role in Quality Assurance to my current (and now perhaps, passing) role in Project Management.  The core of that change was the review from that year, in which it was noted I had "troubling flaws".

That was the single worst review I have ever received in my life for any job. And it has haunted me to this day.

A large part of the haunting - and frankly, my reluctance to reconsider Quality positions - is the fact that at some point I would have to explain the complete change in careers and why (likely) I would be seeking a lesser position.  Or more pithily put, why I essentially got dismissed from a senior management position.

This all suddenly has relevance as the initial screen I had this past week has turned into a hiring manager and panel interview next week. I have done my research and the individuals I will be speaking with appear to be educated and intelligent people (and thanks again for the continued prayers and well wishes.  If I could continue to ask for them, I would be ever so grateful.).  So I presume some form of the question will come up.

The reality is that I have never really dealt with that review.

If you recall, my response at the time was to simply agree with my then boss, as much due to my dislike of confrontation as well as the knowledge that arguing a fait accompli is 93% of the time a complete waste of effort in that the decision is usually already made and the chances of changing it are zero.  One thing that did ensure, however, is that I never had to actually respond to the observations.

Last Sunday during my visit to a different church, the point of the sermon was that as Christ did not look back after the resurrection, so we too are not to look back.  Admittedly the Resurrection of the Son of God and my review from three years ago are on slightly different planes of importance, but the point remains the same: as any number of memes with heroic pictures will tell you, do not look back as you are not headed that way.

Over two years after that review, I created a document with just the observations - my failings - written down. This was the first time I could bring myself to even look at the document, as it is not just looking at the document: it is recalling all the feelings surrounding it and going into the meeting assuming I was to be fired and then reading that, at least in the eyes of the reviewer, I had completely failed in my job.  But I kept it instead of just dumping it - for all of everything it represented and it how it made me feel, there are parts that are true that I needed to address.

This week I finally responded to the observations.

The observations were not long or particularly well thought out. In some cases they were literally "This was not true".  In others, they were "notifications were sent" or "resources were not made available as noted".  In some, they were "agreed, and this is how my current role has addressed that".

It was not great writing, and certainly not the quality of material I try to purvey here.  Even in this exercise, it is still hard to read those words.  But at least I got something down on paper.

And, almost instantly, felt better.

This exercise does not fix a lot of things.  It does not change the events or the last three years.  I will still have to answer questions, walking an honest line between what happened and my interpretation of what happened.  And if even I disagree with a lot of what was written, I need - for my own intellectual honesty if nothing else - to be able to check each and every one of those off the "flaws I need to correct" list.

But confronting something, even after all these years, is a great place to start moving forward.