Running this morning for some reason put me into the mind of The Firm. I suddenly realized it was a little over 10 years ago that I decided to stop everything I was doing - had done for the previous 8 years - and try something new.
I remember the night so clearly that Himself and I walked around and around the track at our local middle school as we did almost every night, talking and dreaming about the plans we would have and what we would do. I remember that precise moment where He said that the time to choose was now: I was either with Him or He would move on without me, now hard feelings. And I remember in that night being swept away by the hopefulness and dreams of what could be, if I was only willing to dream hard enough.
But dreams, as it turns out, are not enough to make something happen on their own.
The money I used to fund it is long gone, as is the house we bought in hopes that we would become accustomed to that lifestyle (sold at a loss, prevented us from buying another for five years). Every single thing associated with The Firm after I walked away has gone as well, with only a single thing - a handcrafted short sword I bought with my first real estate check - as a reminder that I worked in Real Estate at all. We indirectly ended up halfway from where I grew up as a result. Of those great and mighty dreams, not a shred remains.
And those fears of being left behind? I cannot say that they have all come true, but what I can say is that the relationship which created that need has long since traveled on. I am sure we track each other out the corner of our eyes, as you would any acquaintance of old - but the old special relationship, the sort of "best life friend" portion went long ago.
And so the thing that seemed to matter so much, that I was willing to bet my livelihood and the life of my family on, came to naught. The (let us be honest) admiration I secretly craved, the dream I shared, has become moonbeams and ash in a sense Himself did move on to different things and I am essentially in the same place that I was 10 years ago.
The lingering questions remain: Was it truly worth it? Or does where you are now tell you that all that valued was valued incorrectly?
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