Pause

Feeling a little lost this October morning.

My life feels....lost. In translation. Or maybe in transition.  I am not really sure how to regard it.

I am not sure who I feel like.  Certainly not myself - or the way I perceive myself.  Sure, I go through all the motions of the life that I lead.  I do the things that I have always done.  I interact with the family that I have interacted.  And yet there seems to be a disconnect between these activities and me.

Maybe interacting with high school students more has me thinking - thinking about when I was in school and how the world was a blank canvas ready to be painted on, where in so many ways I did not realize or accept the concept of things I could and could not do.  When possibilities seemed endless.  When things such as honor and romance still seemed alive - the old style, as in the High Middle Ages or the great sagas of Japan.. 

When the people I enjoyed spending time with - my friends - were the ones I spent almost all my time with, not snippets of phone conversations and short electronic posts wedged into our lives.

I understand we cannot go back in time and in many ways I would not want to.  Still, that enthusiasm and the possibilities that lay before us tantalize me with the phantom-like appearance that comes to me through association.  It almost becomes a longing as I go through my essentially pre-programmed day of activities and items I need to do.

Is this it?  Is this all there really is to being where I am today?  If not, where does the renewed promise of such enthusiasm and zest and belief come from?