Powerlessness

I know that I have written on powerlessness before.  I do not know that I had considered it to be the curse and the demotivator that I find it to be.

Powerlessness strips one of so much. It strips one of the sense of being able to make an impact - if one can be overruled at any time and any stage, one's efforts become meaningless.  It also strips one of drive: the ability to not choose (or at least find yourself enmeshed in previous choices) leaves one with the sense of marching on in a landscape that has no hope of changing.

But the biggest thing that powerlessness (or I suppose let us be fair:  perceived powerlessness) has done for me is thrust my dreams into the outer walls of the night.

There are days that I wake up - such as today - where the sense is that I have very little choice or influence ahead of me. I will go and do my various roles as is required of me.  I can almost map out my entire day and evening before I rise from this chair.

I know, I know.  You do not "have to"  do anything.  "That's loser talk" some will say. You always have a choice.  But if the choice is to create uncertainty and discomfort around you, that hardy qualifies as a legitimate choice.

So if I were to put a positive spin on this, my question would be "How do I regain my power to choose and influence?"  If I could understand that, if I could find a way to reverse the process and begin to reclaim control over my life - not perceived control but real control - ah, that would be the thing that makes the sepia of my existence burst into color.

There is a way - I am sure of it.  I need to ponder and think on it and then do it - before the sepia that is my life fades to black.