Illusion

"Dillusionment is the child of illusion." - Chip Ingram

How do we create our illusions? How do we build them up in our mind until they become towering entities of the way things should be, seemingly nourished and watered by nothing but our own good wishes and wills?

I ask the question because I am become more and more disillusioned - about virtually everything in my life. I have all but surrendered any sense that my career field will be anything but what it is, that I will be doing it for a very long time yet, and that the concept of the "fulfilling job" is just that, a concept in the nebulous reaches of my mind.

I have all but surrendered the concept of being anything but a foot soldier in service to God. There was a time (illusion) I believed that I had been called to ministry or leadership; the disillusionment comes in the realization that any such opportunities are seemingly long gone and out of reach.

In personal relationships, I have all but surrendered the concept that they, too, will be anything more than they are. Great relationships of any nature are far more precious are rare than we give them credit for.

I could add to the list - interests that never went the way I hoped, dreams of doing things that never materialized - but in the end they all come to one conclusion: illusion.

Does this mean that I should attempt (so much as is possible) to abandon all forms of illusion? I'm not sure - but how to really do this in a meaningful way, and what that would mean. Because by stripping life of its illusions, it seems to leave nothing but the harsh reality: starkness with no beauty, utility with no elegance. Suddenly, there seems to be no reason to jump out of bed in the morning: the day will march on in grinding exactness, each minute fufilling the utility it was meant for.

But is this seeing life as it is, or is this too disillusionment? Have I become so disillusioned about life itself - because I had illusions (or dreams, if you will) about how it should be versus the the reality - or is the reality of the situation merely that disenchanting?

I wish I knew for sure. All I do know is that looking at the pain of disillusionment about how things are or the dour glow of reality as it is, I'm unsure which one should be chosen.