Decisions

I made a decision yesterday.

It was not a truly significant one: after months of having to borrow a mower, I decided to go out and buy one.

The decision was made as I stood at our neighbor's door, knocking to borrow the mower (again). I suddenly made the decision that I wasn't going to borrow anyone's mower anymore. And back to the house I went to go out and buy one.

It felt good, making that decision. And then it hit me: my life is a series of not making decisions.

When asked, I defer. When pressed, I demur. In all cases, I tend to not make decisions rather than make them, even in such non-threatening things as lunch.

Where does this extreme reluctance to make decisions come from? Admittedly I've never been a great decision maker, but this has reached the point of insanity.

On one hand I'd say it was The Firm. That was a decision that I made - and the repercussions of it still continue to echo through my life. If anyone desired a case study of "Decision gone bad", that is it.

The other one is my fear of not doing what God wants me to do. This is an even longer running saga between what I perceived was my calling in my youth (Ministry) and where that led me, which was anywhere but. I have always feared that by choosing something, I would choose the thing that I was not supposed to do. What this tends to breed over time is not just a looking to God for direction (which is good) but a slavish reliance on signs - any kind of sign - whether a decision is the correct one or not. One starts looking for flights of birds or the slant of sunlight or even the voice in the night. Again, taking too far this leads to constantly waiting on others to indicate action.

So how does one overcome this - because it felt so yesterday to make a decision, so empowering and visceral and in-control? The secret, it seems, is simply to do it: no, not necessarily go off and make a life altering decision based on minor circumstances, but just start getting into the habit of making a decision when a decision is called for.

If one makes decision after decision, who knows where it will lead?