Watching Over Me

How to resolve the split in my soul.

On the one hand, I am constantly having to fight being enthused about my life as it is. I do what I do because I am seeking to do the right thing, the thing that supports my family and allows them to enjoy all of the benefits that I see in their lives every day.

On the other hand, I despair of doing those very things. The current job field I am in - not just the actual job (if I'm honest), but the entire career field itself - is not desirable. Yes, the benefits are great and yes, you can make the argument that I am helping someone. But the reality that was smacked over my head (yet again) last Friday is that I am a cog.

Yes, a cog. I am a title with no authority but all the responsibility and accountability. If things go wrong, I will be the first one blamed. If I succeed, it is merely considered what I was supposed to be doing for my job.

It makes me laugh because in point of fact I am supposedly hired for my independence and experience, my previous examples of responsibility. In reality, it appears I am hired for my ability to complete tasks more senior management does not wish to do.

Which again strikes me as odd. What I remember constantly reading and hearing from industry is that they desire individuals who are independent thinkers, who get things done, who bring new perspectives to the industry. Instead (at least in my own experience) what they really want is people who are willing to do things however they are dictated to them: from as broad as reviewing every communication before it is sent (but you must send it, of course; don't want to be "bogged down" in minutia) to choosing font and spacing in documents.

So I guess I've made another discovery: I don't want an overseer. A partner, perhaps, but not an overseer. I'm completely open to having my efforts reviewed and critiqued; what I am not open too (I guess) is being gifted with all the responsibility and accountability but none of the ability to execute.