An Innocent Question

As part of my enforced recalibration period (otherwise known as a layoff), I have been reading the book Who Are You and What Do You Want: A Journey for the Best of Your Life by Mick Ukleja and Robert Lorber. It is a fine book, a sort of grown up What Color is Your Parachute without all the drawings. The authors have developed a "Four-Dimensional" model for looking at your life, where it is, and where you want to be. I'm actually re-reading the book after having read and highlighted it once, going through and underlining the things I missed and doing the exercises (always like the books with exercises!). I am re-read up to chapter 3. A few quotes:

- "After all, if you don't feel great at work, you won't at home either, and vice versa." (p. 14)

- "Truth is powerful, but only if you allow yourself to be guided by it, right?" (p. 27)

- "Action with reflection is thoughtless. Reflection without action is passive." (p.30)

- "In order to change be truthful with yourself - not truth in the abstract or philosophically or in a vacuum. It's all about being honest with yourself." (p. 38)

- "Self leadership - the ability to lead yourself -requires confidence to act on your values, no matter what the consequences. It requires the willingness to openly express yourself, no matter how foolish you may think you look to others." (p. 40)

- "Whenever you avoid taking charge of your life, you become a reactive machine. When you don't know what you want, you react to everybody else's desires, schedules, invitations, requests, and agendas." (p. 40)

And on and on it goes.

In the exercises for Chapter 2, there was question that literally took my breath away when I read it: "What is the one question I am afraid to ask myself?"

What a question frightening in simplicity and implications. Not "What is the one question I will not allow myself to ask?" or "What is the one question I cannot answer?". No. The question that I am afraid to ask myself.

Which implies that there is at least one thing I am afraid to ask myself. Which begs other questions: Why are you afraid to ask it? Is there only one? If I answer this, will others bubble up?

The more amazing thing is that a question immediately leaped to my mind. How odd, that the question I was afraid to ask myself was there, waiting to be asked.

"What do you really want to do?"

Aargh. But it's out now. Afraid to ask? Sure - because I know as soon as I do, the answer that I will come up with is not the answer that I am basing all my job hunting on.

And if the answer is not what I am doing, then there is a cognitive dissonance in my life, a willingness to suspend disbelief. Or only temporarily so - if I look back over the last 13 years of my life, what is my history? Job changes ever 2-3 years, regularly, like clockwork. One time even doing something completely different?

Why? The sly, silent, sibilant answer comes back "Because it's not really what you want to do."

Double Aargh. Wretched introspection that results in a complete and handy tearing away of the veils of practicality. I could have read Science Fiction instead.

At the same time, there's a relief from another part of me, a sense of a cover finally being kicked off the manhole, saying 'Well finally, somewhat actually brought it up! Good Lord - we were waiting until you were actually willing to ask the question."

No veering now. I've started down the rabbit hole - I have to follow the rabbit to the bottom.