You have may have heard of the idea of "work spouses", the concept that there are individuals that we work with that essentially become the working equivalent of our spouse due to the time we spend with them on a weekly basis and the degree of closeness that one acquires in working with a particular set of people over the years. I have, somewhat in the same fashion, apparently acquired "work children".
The request came about innocently enough, a younger coworker (arguably 90% of my worksite is younger than I am) with whom I spent a lot of time in work and discussion asked me out of the blued "Would you be my work dad?"
Well, sure, I said after I thought about it for a bit. My one condition was that they are financially independent; I pay for nothing. But if they just wanted someone to lend an ear or fill in occasional words that maybe had some wisdom in them from time, I was up for the job.
I started with one "adopted" daughter. I now have three.
---
Last month, one of my new "children" popped an invite on my calendar entitled "Lunch with Dad". It was not a big deal - lunch at a chain close to our place of work - but I have confess it tickled me to no end. After all, Na Clann are thousands of miles away (literally) and I see them now twice or thrice a year. A "Dad date", even with bright young women not your own genetically who - for reasons unknown to me - are willing to call you "Dad" even jokingly warms my heart.
This month, looking at the calendar, I picked a Friday for another "Lunch with Dad" date. And then I looked at the date. It was the day after my father's birthday.
---
TB The Elder, for those that may be of newer vintage here, was my father (thus, I am TB - although arguably, not TB The Younger). I do not suppose I have a better introduction to him than the eulogy for his funeral (at least, at the macro level).
He and I had what is likely a more common father/son experience than I had believed when I was much younger. I used to think we were not alike at all growing up; I think we were more alike in spirit than I realized although in manifested in what we did. We "graduated" from that experience sometime in my mid to late twenties (more due to my inability to grow up than a failure on his part), and sometime in my mid to late thirties reached a far better relationship - although we never really shared the same interests, we could at least communicate about them in a way that showed interest and got the message across. Over time, he came to realize that he himself struggled with depression (which I have for most of my life, which was an insight into perhaps where mine came from) and even anger issues, which he apologized for.
Over the last few years, I have realized that I am like him far more than I have thought: a self-thought and personality tested introvert, I have learned to be as social as he ever was. I can make "smart" comments in the same way to generate laughs. We cared and care about different aspects of Nature. We were and are really both homebodies. Sometimes, we struggle with our religion (as my father said for many years, he was not sure that he believed but he went to church because my mother did). And I always, always have the example of him acting as the primary caregiver of my mother for 7 years as her Alzheimer's grew worse - until finally, after she was safely in a memory facility, his own body and mind gave out as well.
If there is interest, most of my interactions of that time are located here.
It was shocking to me to look are realize that this July will have been four years since his passing - honestly, I would have pegged it at only two. How time gets away from us.
---
Here at The Forty-Five, we celebrate a series of holidays which are in some cases the equivalent of local regional holidays, the sorts of things that a town or region might do. One of these is, of course Failure Day (02 August), a day to celebrate failures. Added to the pantheon will now be 11 March (my father's birthday), hereafter known as TB The Elder Day.
---
My adopted "daughters" asked me why I had chosen the Friday (tomorrow) for lunch. I simply said that was the day after my father's birthday, and it seemed a good enough reason to celebrate. And I sent them his obituary.
One of them responded back: "Wow. Good men raising good men".
I do not know that I am good man. But I have seen at least one.
I suppose one disadvantage of leaving work at a relatively young age is that I never became a father figure, at least formerly, to any of my younger coworkers. I was more of an older peer than a father figure.
ReplyDeleteTime does have a way of slipping away. I was just thinking a few days back that it has been eight years since I last heard my mom's voice and I can still quite easily conjure it up in my mind.
Ed, I do not know that I have been either. I think now is a happy coincidence of me being "at that age" and having so very many coworkers that are so much earlier in their careers.
DeleteI was genuinely shocked to realize so much time had passed. I do have the phone messages that he left on my phone from 2018-2020 to fall back on (thus, also ensuring I will like be in the Apple ecosystem as long as I live).
You are a good man. No doubt. You are wise and cautious. And the Missus knows that right well, I'd reckon.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I ever thought of a work wife. I was always the lone cow puncher, riding fence and talking to my steed (mostly GM products).
Thanks STxAR. It probably does not surprise you I hardly consider myself that as all.
DeleteI am not sure when the concept of a "work spouse" appeared - maybe the early-mid 1990's? It makes a certain sense though: of a 168 hour week, less 56 hours of sleep (yes, I know that is figuring high), almost a third of the remaining time is spent at work during our working careers. In some cases, on a regular sustained basis we may see our coworkers more than we see our spouse.
Enjoy the thoughtfulness and the chance to pass on a bit of sage advice TB......remember minimal comments maximize impact. As for myself some dates are unforgettable....eleven and a half and nine and a half years since Mom and Dad passed.....time is flying by faster and faster....(sigh).
ReplyDeleteNylon12 - The "Minimal Comments" thing is good advice. I can ramble on a great deal if allowed to.
DeleteOddly enough, my mother's death date and year is clearly fixed in my mind (a little over two years now). I wonder if that is due to the fact that I had recently accepted the job in New Home 2.0 and I would have been a lot closer.
Hmm. I've never heard of the term "work spouse", though the concept - someone who you work with enough that they may as well be some manner of family - isn't so outlandish.
ReplyDeleteBut the term rankles in my mind, I think. "Spouse" carries very heavy implications (unmarried as I am), of fidelity above all else and what have you, that I would never want to dilute with someone whom I only ever see in the context of my employ. Calling someone a father figure is all well and good, but conflating work and family loyalties seems... dangerous? I don't think that's quite the word, but it is the one that remains in the mental sieve.
Take this ethereal rambler's words with a few grains of salt, of course. I'm sure it's an area where I have some deep-seated reservations; one's own mileage is certain to vary.
P_P - I mention the phrase only as it is one that has been in vogue for some years. I assume the phrase "spouse" is meant to convey a certain level of time spent and levels of honest communication that may not be present in all work relationships. To that end, I do not think I have ever had a work spouse.
DeleteFair enough. Again, this marks the first time I've ever heard the phrase, but I also don't pay a lot of attention to emerging vernacular any longer.
DeleteI suppose in that respect it does get the idea across, if a bit too strongly for my preference.
P_P, I think the terms is intended to be a bit shocking as you suggest - after all, spouse is a pretty emotionally charged word. The fact that the concept exists should cause us some hesitation and alarm.
DeleteWow, four years already since you lost your dad. Well, this post had my thoughts all over the place. You made us laugh and then you made us cry. Or maybe just me. Your "work children" situation sounds pretty nice. Clearly, you are a good man, TB or the younger employees would not think so highly of you to dub you their "work dad". That's terrific! :D
ReplyDeleteBecki, I cannot belief it has been that long.
DeleteMy "work children" are fantastic young ladies who have very bright futures ahead of them and hardly need my advice. I suspect it is just as much of a kindness to me as it is me being kind to them.