Practicing the harp for my upcoming "performance" has been good for my soul.
Part of the goodness has simply been that practicing for an objective is always easier than just practicing, at least for me. Knowing I am going to be playing in front of someone will tend to do that for me.
It has also been good as a general re-introduction to not only the harp on a more regular basis, but a re-examination of my life in general. And especially those things which, for whatever reason, I have put to the side.
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There was a time - years and years ago - when my life was very different, with a lot more music and singing and learning and reading of some less than serious things, tinged with a very strong streak of hopeless romanticism.
It is easy to look and say "Well, of course things had to change: after all, we have to grow older and take on responsibility and so forth." But looking back on that, I wonder if that is as true as it was presented.
For example, I have well over 25 years in my current industry. 95% to 99% of the work that I did - the products worked on, the projects worked on - have been placed into bankers boxes and are located at long term storage facilities, where they are slowly been shredded per a pre-established time frames (the modern version of this, of course, is that everything is now electronically stored and deleted according to the same time frames). A 99% failure rate is not the sort of thing that shouts "Good investment of time".
I then look at the things I gave up to do this, the person I had to become in order to do these things - and wonder if the present me is the better for them.
Does that mean everything else that happened in those years was also an effective failure? Not at all. Lots of very fine things happened during those times as well. I made new friends, had a family, took up new practices (including writing a blog), and had experiences that I would have never likely had otherwise.
But now I am entering a different phase of my life. And am starting to ask questions.
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The reality is that - for the first time in a very long time - I have the ability to choose a life again. Maybe not completely all over again, but I have a great deal of freedom that I have not had in years - not just in what I do, but who I am.
And I as I pluck away at the strings of my harp, working to embed the songs into my brain, I find the resonance of the notes awakening other things as well, the faintest sounds of someone who used to be awakening for the first time in years.
For these sorts of things, I try to focus on the bigger picture. It matters not that your projects ended up in a box to be shredded. What matters is that you worked for someone whom you presumably made happy by working on those projects at the time and in return they gave you money to help keep a roof over your head and keep you fed. Once you are not reliant on the money for shelter or food, you stop working for that person and they get someone else. If you require long term attention given to you for what you produced for that paycheck, and I don’t think you are one of those people, you are in the wrong business.
ReplyDeleteEd, I agree and disagree.
DeleteYes, it did put a roof over my head and gave my family a lot of opportunities that others did not have. Yes, I was well compensated for the work.
On the other hand, while the work was interesting, I would be hard pressed to say that much of it made me happy working on it. For example, after I write this I will head into work and spend my day dealing with wording for production documentation. Arguably the outcome - a drug product that helps people - is good, but 25 + years of dealing with laws that are fairly obscure and more or less the same sorts of systems (but different products), leaves a little to be desired at this point.
Have I made friends along the way? Yes. Have I hopefully improved the lives of some of those people? I have reason to believe so. But has the efforts of those years resulted in the betterment of the lives of others? Tangentially at best.
Ed makes a salient point TB, self reflection can be a tricky business. As long as you gave an honest day's effort....well.... Realizing now that there may be alternative paths available is another chapter, be glad you're above ground.......:)
ReplyDeleteNylon12, I like to believe I have (mostly) given an honest day's work. And it is not to say that I have derived benefits from this career field (I have). But now there is a new chapter of sorts, and I am actually a bit excited for the first time in a while.
DeleteBeautiful - I find too that as I've entered my sixties, I enjoy life more, but more importantly, I stand and look hard at everything.
ReplyDeleteBrigid - Thank you.
Delete"Enjoy life more" has come up a lot over the last week in my personal journal. And "happiness" and "what interests me" as well.
I do wonder at this point if much of what I do is simply because I have done it for years.
As Ed and Nylon said, your life is what you make it. You put in honest hours of work and supported your family. In the EMS business we often have to have little talks with our peers as the frequent flyers in our area passed. That brotherhood (including our ladies here) keeps us centered that we do our best and God takes care of the rest.
ReplyDeleteMusic can be powerful. I cannot but be overwhelmed by a well done bit of music. Christmas at Saravo always hurts a bit, because I was there.
It is, Michael. And arguably it did do good, both for my family and for others. It is just as a body of work as such, it is headed for oblivion (as most things are, to be fair).
DeleteIf you are referring to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra version, it is very powerful.
Do your best, Let God do the rest. That was our homeschool motto.
ReplyDeleteThat is a very reasonable and practical motto, Anon. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteAn electric guitar and an amp occupy a corner of the office. I work alone. Sometimes it is good to pick it up and jam along with the greats.
ReplyDeleteThat, Raven, is a brilliant office arrangement.
DeleteI think this is the dilemma of modern human existence. And I think it's why theoretical thinking and idealism tend to fall flat. We claim knowledge by them but it's experience that gives us practical wisdom and a more realistic value system. By the time we have the experience to reflect back and question our life choices, it's usually deemed "too late" to do anything about it.
ReplyDelete"By the time we have the experience to reflect back and question our life choices, it's usually deemed "too late" to do anything about it." - Interesting thought, Leigh.
DeleteIf I look at the choices and current life situations of my friend group from High School that I still stay in contact with, it appears that there was a lot of "wisdom learned too late" - not bad, but none of our lives went as we had intended.
I suspect the great challenge as well is simply that of comfort - in one's early 20's, one is willing to experiment and risk because there is little enough to lose. When one is in one's 50's, there can be a great deal to lose: my experiment with real estate in the 30's was a big loss and one that I am not eager to repeat. So we try and pack things in around the edges, and somehow convince ourselves that it is the same. It is not, really - but often what we have.