Earlier this month I set out for my trek to visit The Ranch
These visits are becoming more and more (or less and less) cumbersome in terms of execution. There is nothing to do at the house but to do a quick walkthrough. Other than that, it is just a series of visits with my sister and Brother-in-Law, my Aunt and Uncle, my cousins, The Cowboy and The Young Cowboy, and Uisdean Ruadh to see how things are.
I accomplished most of these visits. I walked down to The Barn to re-examine the things that we had set aside to save - and found out that I had managed to forget where the key was, so I went on a walk.
And then I realized: for the first time in years, I found myself at a loss for things to do. This place still had a warm place in my heart, but it was no longer home.
The moment passed after a bit: I walked back down to see The Cowboy and chatted for a spell, took my pictures, and then walked back up to the house. Still almost two hours until I needed to meet Uisdean Ruadh for dinner.
It is a strange thing when a thing is no longer a thing. We all know it, I suppose: the relationship that grows cold, the restaurant where the food no longer is delicious but just okay, the movies or books that never are quite as good as we remember them at the time. The thing has passed from the extraordinary to the common place or even to something or someone that we used to know.
The going is silent and slow, until all of a sudden it happens at all at once.
It is wrong to say that The Ranch will never be the equivalent of a restaurant or a failed relationship; the history there is too long. But neither is it wrong to say that is not "The Place"; it has just become a place, one of a long series in my memory.
I currently have day trips planned monthly between now and February. Total time on the ground is generally ten to twelve hours. Which seems sufficient - even more than sufficient, given what there is left to do.
Have I created a separation based on the necessity of the reality of the sale? Perhaps. But this is not uncommon with other things in my life where for one reason or another, a time for a change has come. For better or worse, once I am done, I am done.
It's always the decision that I struggle with and agonize over most. Once the decision is made and I'm at peace with it, it's like a huge burden is lifted from me.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, that is exactly it. The huge burden has been removed, for better or worse. The rest is details.
DeleteReading this post reminds me of an effort by Tolkien....."The Road goes ever on and on...Down from from the door where it began". We're all on a Road TB.
ReplyDeleteNylon12, I remember that song as well. And it really does feel like the road wanders and - once we put our feet to it - we have no idea where it will end, truly.
DeleteReflection is the mind's way of sorting memories. (not always good, unfortunately) But it does provide a special time when we wonder about the future without fear. A very curious work of Divinity within each of us, which we indulge in the more, the longer we are here.
ReplyDelete"Reflection is the mind's way of sorting memories. (not always good, unfortunately) But it does provide a special time when we wonder about the future without fear" - Samuel, I had never thought about it that way before - but you are 100% correct: it is a way to wonder without fear.
DeleteIt does make one wonder what it would be like to wonder about the future without fear more often.
This post strikes me deep as I have undergone the same situation with our home farmstead being sold. I went from going down there probably 50 times a year to a single time in the last year and a half. I drive by it now in the spring when I'm on my way to hunt mushrooms but like you said, it is more of a memory in a long line of memories than a cherished restaurant that it was.
ReplyDeleteEd, I remember the drop off in the trips but did not recall that you had sold it. I very well think I am mirroring your experience: at some point in the future, trips there will be confined to visiting family; all too soon I fear, there will largely be no reason to go there at all as it if far enough off the beaten path that one has to to purposely seek it out.
Delete