Friends:
As you read this post I am either on my way to the airport (No, really. I quite booked the early flight) or am winging my way through the air towards New Home. This will be the first time I have been back for more than a day on either side to go to Turkey since I left on 15 March, so a little shy of three month.
My purposes in going are twofold. The first - the original reason I booked the trip - was to take advantage of the head of my sword school being present for a week of training (in years past I would have attended the full week; currently I can only manage two days). However, as we looked at the time required (it is essentially a full day to travel if one includes the loss of time zones and the fact that few direct flights exist) and the fact that the pack-up of the house (or what we will be taking, anyway) was only a few days after that, we elected to get me there earlier and extend my stay through Monday to help do one more assessment of what is going as they will be present to pack the day after my return. This was a sensible extension as, now having been in this space for over a month, I have a very clear sense of what amount of space is available and what will fit and what will not.
The mixed feelings I have about returning are a surprise to me, frankly.
On the one hand, it will be nice to see my family (and pets) again. Although I have adapted to the fact that I am alone here, it is an odd experience after spending more or less than last four years with most of my family in the house. It is not the sort of thing that I consciously considered until it disappeared.
On the other hand, the return to New Home seems unreal. That surprise me as it has not been that long since I left. Three months since I departed - and suddenly it almost like a foreign place to me, with people and places I recognize but have not nearly the significance of my life that I would anticipate that they should. This location was essentially the sum total of my experience for almost 15 years, and now it feels as little more than a footnote in my daily life.
This feeling will only undoubtedly increase, of course: after this trip, I have a trip booked in early July to move the rabbits. After that, my visit back remains undefined as of today.
Will I need to go back? At some point yes, if to see Na Clann at some point as well as A The Cat and Poppy The Brave. But that now adds its own issues, and I-Bun and Joy will now be here and need their own care and sooner than later, The Ravishing Mrs. TB will be here in New Home 2.0 as well.
Beyond Christmas of this year, that crystal ball becomes very hazy indeed.
It is odd as well because, unlike Old Home, I have little attachment to the place other than a location that I lived and the people and activities that I did. It was not a "home" in that sense of word, the way I feel when I go back to Old Home and The Ranch.
But that is for me: for Na Clann, it was part or all of their childhood in that one location.
How odd, to realize a place can have two such different meanings for the same amount of time.
When we bought and moved to our current house, my wife would want me to drive by our previous house whenever we were in that town. For me, it was always a cold almost clinical experience. I no longer lived there and felt no feelings, good or bad about it. I would have been perfectly happy never seeing it again. For my wife though, she always had an emotional response to the things that had changed since our ownership, good and bad. She obviously saw it differently than I did. It took many years before she finally stopped asking to drive by that old place.
ReplyDeleteBut as you mentioned, when I drive by the Old Farm where I grew up five decades ago, I am still flooded with memories of my time spent there. When we are growing up, we are putting down roots whether we like it or not and when we move, not all those roots get dug up. Out houses in-between must be more like pots where our roots are not allowed to grow deep so easily.
Ed, we have done the same thing when we have gone back to where our previous houses were as well - it is interesting, but more in a historical sense (although I do like to check on the value of the homes, just because I would like to know).
DeleteI like the analogy of a potted plant. It makes a lot of sense.
Ditto. I'm in the midst of moving and the house I sold is not a home anymore, even though some of my stuff is still there. It's a strange feeling. Very weird.
ReplyDeleteI went by one old home in Lubbock the last time I was there. The school across the street is gone. But the trees I planted as a pre-teen are large and still thriving. The "shed" dad and I built is still standing (he built it like a house... I learned the numbers on a framing square can be used to layout a roof). The neighborhood looks very similar. Lots of fond memories there.
I couldn't bear to go to the house we lived in when I left home for good. It's a dung heap and the country around it is no longer cotton farms. Lots of changes and not for the better.
STxAR, I have been by the house I have lived grew up in. The ivy that my father always kept trimmed in the front yard has completely grown up and you cannot see the house behind it without awkwardly driving up the one-way drive way. The neighborhood still looks the same as well.
DeleteOur last move, which was only about 5 miles was different from any of our previous moves. In our 4 previous moves, the selling and buying were so close to each other, once we moved our furniture, there was no going back to the old house. Not that I recall, anyway. In this more recent move, we didn't even put the old house on the market until we had moved everything out. In the weeks that the old house was empty, it no longer felt like the home we had lived in for over 20 years. We were just minding it 'till the closing date. It was odd to be responsible for a place for several weeks that I also felt like something of a stranger in. I think I was very ready for a change of scenery.
ReplyDeleteBecki, we are in an odd place: while we will move our stuff to live in an apartment, we will still have things here (in storage or in the house). So in some ways we can rethink in the event something we really wanted is not there (or in the counter event, if we can bring something back from New Home 2.0 or even let it go).
DeleteBut this is certainly prompting a lot of questions about what stays or goes and how much "stuff" we want to have for the future.
It always amazes me that the reality of living in a location can fade so quickly once I've moved away. Things I thought I'd never forget are hard to recall. I suppose it's just that way.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, to Ed's point I am painfully aware of every change when I go to back to my hometown. Coming here is more like "Hey, I do not remember that being built" - observation without emotion (other than my dojo and my rabbit shelter, which I miss terribly).
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