I apologize. I have not felt myself the last week or so.
Sarge at Chant de Dupart has confessed to a certain lack of inspiration in his writing. I realized, after reading his ongoing struggles, that I concur with that statement.
Part of it, I think, is simply the changes that have taken place over the last month or so (hard to believe it was only five weeks ago I got offered this job and only four weeks ago that my mother passed away). These sorts of changes can be the sort of reservoir of material that makes for all kinds of subjects. They are also the sorts of changes that make one exhausted.
Part of it as well is simply the fact of trying to find a new schedule. To be completely honest, the best time for me to write is in the morning. I cannot fully tell you why this is, other than it is. Where I fail is by trying to continue to have a schedule that does not fully accommodate that sort of activity.
I write best in the mornings; I simply need to plan for this and move on.
The final part, I think, is simply not knowing where to go next with the blog.
As I have written before, the blog was started long ago with the idea of being some sort of high powered blog that would magically support me by the droves of people that would read it. Laughably of course; we are all young once. From there, it became a sort of record, especially after the very first Hammerfall that led to New Home and all of the time there. Even after A Sort Of Hammerfall that allowed me to visit my parents more often and record The Ranch in more detail, it sill allowed me to write and think on that and, indeed, eventually getting back there.
Frankly, I have no idea what the future holds at the moment.
Some of the subjects I have written on before become less meaningful when one is living in an apartment rather than somewhere with a fuller garden. Travel to The Ranch will be subdued for a while and likely even different following the completion of the estate. And I have no idea how long we will be in New Home 2.0; for various reasons it would make an excellent "last job" to retire from.
All of this to say, I am in a bit of a funk.
I plead your pardon during this rather confusing time. I fear my writing will not be "up to" the standards I always hope to achieve. That said, I really do feel like writing (or at least posting) on a daily basis is an important discipline for me.
Even when the posting is less than optimal.
I remain Your Obedient Servant,
Toirdhealbheach Beucail
Take your time. We the faithful will be patiently waiting.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Fortunately it is now too ingrained of a process to not keep doing. I sometimes have higher expectations of my writing than likely are sensible.
DeleteMy guess is that with Life's Events occuring simultaneously, your thoughts are becoming mixed up. This too will pass.
ReplyDeleteThat is actually a good explanation - my ability to focus on or pull out subjects seems quite out of sorts right now. I do not know if not having a "home" and that sense of grounding makes it more difficult or not.
DeleteThanks for being here, TB. It's an encouragement to read whatever you write. I'm going through some "life happens" too. I'm on a short time frame to move, and my "workers" are not showing up, my body isn't up to the work I know how to do, and it's starting to look like a fiasco in the making. On the bright side, I'm praying without ceasing now. So, that's good.....
ReplyDeleteThanks STxAR! That alone gives me a reason to press on.
DeleteGood heavens, that sounds like a very stressful situation. Prayers up.
Routine can be a blessing when you're having trouble getting out of bed. I've had times I went through the motions of life, even assisting in surgery on autopilot. Not sure if it's a curse or a blessing when your doctors give you praise for an excellent day's work when you're on autopilot.
ReplyDeleteEventually routine and the resolution of each stressor fixes the spark of joy again.
Don't worry about the reading clan of yours. We are interested in the mundane as well as the amazing.
Michael, that is a good point about routine - it does serve a purpose when enthusiasm and even drive are sometimes gone. I am certain that once things are a bit re-established again, things will be better.
DeleteI am glad the mundane is good - for a while, that may be what comes out.
Love the meme! You're still processing recent events and changes in your life, and that's a challenge. Maybe your blogging standard will change as your new routine develops. Nothing wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteLeigh, I actually found this quote in one of the trainings at my new job about technical writing. It is brilliant (and he makes it sound so easy).
DeleteHonestly, I think part of my disorientation as well is the state of the world. There are subjects that feel like they need to be written about more; I need to find a way to writing about them that elicits thought and conversation, not reaction.
No need to apologize. We all go through "not feeling myself" times. Finding something, anything, when we check in is all we need, to know you're OK, or at least as OK as you can be. Life has thrown a lot your way lately.
ReplyDeleteThanks Warren.
DeleteAs this is a transitional point in my life - not the only one, of course - maybe this is a transitional point in my writing as well and I am simply too involved in the situation to see it.
One could argue that a blog is the modern interpretation of the journal; read aloud from a patio on the street corner where all and sundry might hear should they come close enough, but a personal thing all the same. A quick glance tells that you've been doing such long before many of the now-familiar voices began to ring in response, though knowing one has an audience does change perceptions and expectations.
ReplyDeleteThrough these musings, we've seen strange and wonderful things that seem more personal and genuine than if reported on by some large Brand Name Blog. Perseverance through loss, both temporary and permanent; reflections on the divine; footsteps upon far shores otherwise all but unreachable; the small triumphs of tending the earth; and, of course, the decision of specialization: giving up the skill of Throwing Really Big Sticks for the art of Hitting Things With Modestly-Sized Sticks Very Precisely (and Life Philosophy).
I guess my point is, don't worry overmuch about we ephemeral voices in the near distance. Even if you don't think your works will be up to your own exacting standards (fueled, as ever, by the nagging specter of Doubt: "Oh no, I can't be doing this right..."), we'll still be here for them. Even if some of us are more transient than the rest, only poking our noses in the window for scant moments every other month to spout commentary unbidden with little more than a silly alias and no proverbial return address.
And who knows, perhaps this constant sharpening of your narrative edge might allow you to one day make your writings slightly more than a hobby. George R. R. Martin didn't become a well-known author until much later in his life, after all!
... Wait, that's not a good example, is it.
Er... well, even so, you'll probably finish the book if you did. Perhaps a compilation of short stories would work better, just in case.
(As an aside, I read your handle as "Toroidal Beach Head" for an embarrassingly long time, and wondered what lagoons and/or innnertubes had to do with caber tossing, iaijutsu, and rabbits.)
Passing Peanut - Thank you.
DeleteFor better or worse, this has become a functionally online journal of my life. I do not know I intended it to start out that way, but it turned into such a thing - which may ultimately explain why I have kept with it so long. A "focused on X" blog simply becomes that over time; a blog only about a subject or group of subjects. And while people can make a life's study out of a single thing (see "Ph.D."), I can scarcely see going many years on a single subject.
I am lucky in that regard in that bloggers that I admire and follow do not seem bound by that rule. The most engaging blogs to me are always those where people write authentically about their lives, even if it is not necessarily an exciting subject.
As you point out, it is good practice as well - in my case, less of the narrative (The Ravishing Mrs. TB is very good about pointing out my errors) as it is simply the discipline to write every day. And who knows what the future holds - I certainly know I can do what it takes to produce volume for a book, I just need to find the subject.
(Heh heh. "Toroidal Beach Head". This made me laugh out loud.)
I am a morning writer too. I find my mind is unfettered and more easily focused in the morning than it is later in the day after it has come across numerous problems and distractions.
ReplyDeleteThere have been numerous times throughout my life when I couldn't see the future due to a funk. It is easy to get dragged deeper. I always have to focus my mind on past funks that I have always made it past to sunnier skies to reassure myself that soon, sunnier skies always prevail. I'm wishing you sunnier skies TB.
Ed, "unfettered" is a great word. I also seem to feel less driven to be doing others things besides write.
DeleteThis first part of the year seems particularly unsettled. I have to remind myself that this is a passing phase and it will simply take time to re-establish myself. The reality is that I get a chance to do it somewhere new; I just have to be open to the opportunities to do so.
Do what feels right, times change, so must we. I guess.
ReplyDeleteSarge - The problem is that if I do not write, it simply does not feel right.
DeleteMeh. Maybe we have to change with the times. Or maybe we just remain obstinate in them, a buffalo in the blizzard. Not all progress is good progress.
Don't worry about the "level" of posting TB, seconding STxAR's first two sentences. Lots for you to be going through so take care of you and yours first. There's work putting a daily blog out and answering readers so losing a parent and finding a new job in a month is stressful to say the least. Prayers for you are in the rotation.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nylon12. All of that said, I have come to really value the folks that stop by and read here (those that comment and those that do not) and at some level, given the state of the world, I do feel a bit of a responsibility to provide some level of distraction and occasionally a useful thought (perhaps).
DeleteSomething I found today, seems a good read
ReplyDeletehttps://coyoteprimeblog2.blogspot.com/2024/03/how-to-handle-beast.html
Thank you Michael! There were a lot of small, actionable steps in that article, which I always appreciate.
DeleteOnce again, I'm reading backwards, and reading this post after reading Live Not By Lies, it seems you found your stride again quickly. That said, I know the struggle is real, and your posts are often meaty (which drew me here in the first place) so I appreciate the transparency you express about struggling to know where you will go with your writing here.
ReplyDeleteI also want to say... in my scattered reading here, I entirely missed that your mother passed four weeks ago. I know you had already lost your mother to dementia, but I know the final loss is also painful and profound. My sympathies go out to you, TB.
Thank you Becki. This was not unexpected, but still a bit of a shock (as it always is, I suppose).
DeleteI am still struggling (I suppose) with direction, but am just writing at this point. The subjects will begin to present themselves, I suspect.