I am still processing last week's hike.
It is not often that I say something is a "life changing event"; that terminology often gets overused and when overused begins to sound either trite or breathless. But something happened out there between the Saturday I stepped on the trail and the following Thursday when I stepped off it.
I say the hike, but it perhaps could simply be the hike as culmination.
As I closed out a journal on Saturday, I realized that this particular volume had encompassed the completion of my project, Hammerfall 2.0, my job search/interview process/hire, a trip to Greece, training with the head of my sword school, starting said new job, Nighean Bhan's engagement, moving things from the house at The Ranch, the leaving of Nighean Dhonn for college, and the Mt. Goddard hike (as well as two other shorter hikes). It has been, I realized, a pretty packed four month period. So perhaps in reality it was not the hike itself that caused the difference, but rather the hike as the summit building on every other one of those experiences.
I cannot tell you fully how, but I simply feel "different" than I did last week. How different, I am not fully certain.
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I had an encounter with God yesterday morning.
There was a perceptible sense in the morning as I was home alone that someone was present and really wanted me to pray. Fifteen different things leapt to my mind to do and I attempted to put it off for a while, but I finally simply prayed and waited.
There were no revelations nor any sort of vision or voice. Only the very distinct sense that God had been there.
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I am trying to take a bit more of an organized process to posting on the blog.
Although it likely will surprise no-one, there is really no master plan to all of this. Sometimes I have days I do things - Thursdays for The Collapse, and often Sunday for God Thoughts, and earlier this year Wednesdays for Old English - but there is not really any kind of overall cognitive idea for all of this. I just write. Given that time is at a bit of a premium for the foreseeable future,
So like everything else, I started a spreadsheet.
It is divided into different columns. Greece is there (So much Greece. We likely will be there until Thanksgiving). The Hike is there. The Collapse is there as a general category. Book reviews are there (I need to do this more as a practice). God Thoughts are there. And the "Other" category, which covers everything else.
Hopefully if nothing else, this will give me the ability to plan things for writing a bit more effectively.
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Leaving The Ranch gets harder and harder every time.
I have commented more than once to The Ravishing Mrs. TB that really, my social connections and life are there, some few states away, not here in New Home - beyond my Iaijutsu and the Rabbit Shelter there is little that I would miss about New Home. There is something that simply speaks to me when I am at The Ranch, something that tells me that the rightness of being there.
I mentioned this again to The Ravishing Mrs. TB. Her point - entirely fair and relevant - is that beyond just the fact of moving, it is likely that she would struggle to find a job as well paying and flexible as her current one. Additionally, Nighean Bhan is currently living with us as she starts her graduate education (which will be about 5 semesters/two years); we pay in rent less than it would cost to pay for an apartment for her to live in.
My job has some ability to manage things remotely, although I would still need to be here periodically be in town.
Her suggestion - she has made it before - is to consider what it would look like I effectively relocated to The Ranch now and she followed at some later date. There are a lot of steps that go into that, starting with "Is my sister okay with that?" and then "Is my work okay with that?" and then "When do I move, how much do I move, and what does that mean for finances, for my marriage, and for my life going forward?" Also, of course, "When does The Ravishing Mrs. TB move?"
I do not have answers. All I have is the deep and abiding sense that I need to be there, not here.
You have had a jam-packed time of it! And on all levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. I know it's been a lot to deal with, but I have to say that you seem to be managing it all fairly well. Especially considering all the uncertainties involved.
ReplyDeleteI have no words of wisdom concerning a potential move to the Ranch. I definitely empathize. In the end, the decision all boils down to faith, both for you and for Mrs. TB.
Thanks Leigh. It will probably surprise you to know that I feel like I am faking the whole thing (as opposed to managing it).
DeleteThe only thing at this point I can do is make a proposed plan, put it out to the individuals involved and see how feasible it is, and then move forward from there.
All of the changes in the past four months seem to have concentrated your relationship with The Ranch. Lots to consider TB.
ReplyDeleteAgreed Nylon12. As usual, I suspect this is not by "accident"...
Delete"Trust yer gut!"...quote from somebody smarter than me.
DeleteTM, I suspect you are right.
DeleteI'm not insinuating we are all the same, but many years ago, I boated down the length of the Grand Canyon in a wooden boat and emerged a changed man. I knew it at the time without a doubt. Now 22 years later, I wonder if I indeed changed or was it a feeling that passed. I have no way to know one way or the other. If indeed I changed significantly, I have gone down the new path so long that it is just now part of me. If it were a feeling that passed I still have no proof as I can't compare me with that boy who spent the last 22 years without having gone down the canyon. All I can say for certain is that I felt changed when I returned from that trip and to this day, I can still close my eyes and be right back there again in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMoving is so complicated compared to when we were younger. It gets more complicated when there isn't an seismic shift in our lives that helps to sever the roots. Having to slowly and deliberately sever all those roots ourselves it not an easy task. I hope everything will eventually become clear with time.
Ed, I remember you stating this during your series on the Grand Canyon. I am going with you were in fact changed and the change has become so much a part of you at this point, it is simply who you are.
DeleteIt does get more complicated, although I will say that on the whole, most of the roots here have been severed already through various and sundry means. Beyond the house and my family, I have very few roots left indeed.
I have started a list of what would need to happen to make it a reality. My plan is to start with the list, run it by The Director, then work on it some more.
Is some instinct telling us to hunker down, and stay away from crowds? Woody
ReplyDeleteWoody, maybe. I am certainly in a place where I see it as a time to preserve and to save and to not draw attention to one's self.
DeleteMuch to consider. Would she need to work after the move? Could there possibly be a way to monetize the ranch without ruining it?
ReplyDeleteI'm working through the decision of a possible move too. But not very far away from my current spot. I'd like to condense the foot print a bit and direct my time to shop work, and less to maintaining this old house. But prices are nearly too high to believe....
STxAR, there are probably ways to monetize it - but that requires some kind of fuller time presence than what I have to offer. Likely we would both still have to work - our financial person advises us it would be "better" if we did so.
DeleteThe combination of high prices and interests rates higher than they have been in years (or what we in the Days of Yore used to call "average") are creating issues for sure. Even if we desired to sell, I think it would be difficult in this market. There are a fair amount of homes in AO that have been sitting on the market for a while. Not encouraging.
If you went ahead, you would be getting Old Home ready for the full move.
ReplyDeleteYou could, as you say, come back to New Home. Basically reversing what you have been doing. Living fully at Old Home and making trips.
I expect it might be a relief to your sister to have you closer; but she may not have voiced it, since you have New Home, family and responsibilities at New Home.
Good luck with your decision, TB.
You all be safe and God bless.
Linda, the readiness is a good point. And likely it would indeed be reversing the flow, which would work.
DeleteIt is possible it might be a help. I certainly think my being closer would help with my mother more.
I do note that the cumulative stress, both physical and mental, of so many life changing events in a short period of time is significant. Meditating on them is therefore an important means of dealing with it.
ReplyDeleteI very much relate to the desire to put down roots in a particular place. We put heart and soul into renovating a century home for over thirty years, and then we left it to retire in my wife's childhood home far away. I loved our old homestead; the house and yard, but it was smack in the middle of an urban corridor that I loathed. I was able to spend a couple years detaching myself emotionally from the old home, and it was meditating on the issue of my own mortality that allowed me to realize that we are only temporary inhabitants of any place at all. I do hope you are able to relocate, sooner or later, to the old homestead. The peace, quiet, and serenity it provides is beyond price.
Thank you Greg. I am trying to divorce some level of "me" from the decisions; what makes the most actual sense?
DeleteThere will be a relocation. The question is simply the timing.
,,, “what does that mean for finances, for my marriage, and for my life going forward?”
ReplyDeleteThe Ravishing Mrs is probably wise and generous for you, but care must be given to that 2nd item. Give your life manager’s words and livelihood plenty of consideration. From my vantage point you have a winner in her, don’t blow up things cannot replace.
$.02
Franknbean
FnB, it is a consideration. Also in consideration is the fact that - frankly - with the change in the last child off to school, our own relationship is changing as well. Not sure what that really looks like or means.
DeleteI love this -- that you had a very significant "God moment" and you're contemplating some serious changes in your life. I know you know that if you pay attention to the former, the latter will all work out. Blessings to you as always.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bob.
DeleteFrankly, being "back" has been very disorienting. I find I do fit in the groove the way I did before.