As I was sitting reading on Sunday afternoon, something about the upcoming week nagged at my brain. Relenting at some point, I went and did a little review. Today is the one year anniversary of the passing of my father (if one can use the word "anniversary" for such an event).
It is clear enough where the thought came from: the program from his service is there on the desk in my room; I see it every day and it has become ingrained into my unconscious.
It is an odd thing, this sudden realization. It is one of those moments that is stuck in time - my time anyway, and those of my sister and our families. But a time that will dwindle away in significance as we, too, pass beyond and his pictures become just another image in a family album that someone can vaguely identify.
It is odd as well to look at where I was last year and where I find myself this year. There is so much that I would have liked to talk to my father about, to get his perspective on. We talked quite often after my last layoff and the job search. He would likely have said he thought things would work out and not to worry in the event that they did not, they would be able to help. And he would have enjoyed seeing the pictures of Greece.
It strikes me as almost unreal that I have not spoken with him is such a way since January of 2021.
His gravestone remains the same in the cemetery where it is placed now. I try and go by every time I am out - not so much for him I suppose as for me. I do talk a bit, but nothing like I would have on the phone. There is a sense that I am talking to stone and grass instead of any sort of lingering presence.
For his wisdom and conversation, I have to resort to memory and imagination and fill in the blanks of what I think he would have said. Hopefully I do him justice.
"There is so much that I would have liked to talk to my father about, to get his perspective on."
ReplyDeleteYes. Exactly that.
I think it is always that, John, Even if we had the best of relationships (there was some time it was a little shaky), I would still want his opinion on even now.
DeleteTime just slips away, especially when you are busy. My Dad died in July of 1997 and Mom passed in June 2018. Dad passed suddenly with no warning - Mom passed with knowledge of impending. So with Mom, we got to talk about EVERYTHING. Her passing was felt much different then with Dad. Mom met my children through teen age years - Dad never.. I miss them both, especially Dad. But Life Moves On.
ReplyDeleteWe had hints that the end of conversation was coming, but it happened seemingly all at once. And while he survived his second stroke a little over a year, there was not much we could talk about at this point.
DeleteA good reminder to always talk about everything.
Can remember the days when Mom and Dad passed, where did the time go? The next thing you'll know TB it'll be three years then five.
ReplyDeleteI sense that Nylon12, even as I deplore it. It seems that such things should have more meaning and a greater arc. In that sense, perhaps those cultures that hold some version of a feast for the dead are onto something.
DeleteWe are seldom ready for birth of our children, often unprepared for serious sickness in our family, never fully prepared for death.
ReplyDeleteBut we muddle through. Not to disparage loss of parents mine died decades ago my wife's parents passed 3 and now two years ago.
As I tell my sweet lady when she was getting depressed about the first and then the second. "All we can Do is LOVE them every day they live and rejoice that they are at peace now".
We can complex ourselves into immobility, but our parents birthed us and struggled to teach us how to live properly. They would not be happy to know we stopped living when they passed.
Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
We can indeed continue to honor their memory and do so by continuing to live fully, Michael. I am sure my father expects nothing less.
DeleteThe Filipino culture is big on death anniversaries so I am always aware of my mom's death anniversary approaching. I however have attempted to take matters in my own hands somewhat by going on one of mom's favorite hikes on her death anniversary. Because she died in the latter days of November, it can be quite unpleasant out so I try to pick a day on either side or the day itself for the hike, whichever one looks the most pleasant. This year will be five years gone by. Like you, it still strikes me unreal than I can't call her up and hear her voice of reason.
ReplyDeleteEd, I recall that you do that and that is a great idea. I need to find something similar, even if I am geographically away from where he was.
DeleteOdd how much we miss the ability to just reach out and talk. I am not sure that is the thing I would have predicted as missing the most.
Visited my folks in the garden of stones last time I was up in Lubbock County. I spoke to "them" more this time than every before. Not sure why I did, but it seemed to help me put to rest some nagging thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I know they are in their reward, but it felt like I needed to do that. Saw my uncle, aunt and cousins markers, too. And a mentor is there as well. Lots of memories in that garden.
STxAR, I try to go by every time or every other time when I am back home. I am pretty sure that it is far more for me than him. And perhaps once every six months, I make the grand tour of my dead. There is something strangely....comforting?...about doing so.
DeleteLong time reader, first comment-
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful song, appropos...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48BhoMkFCEU
Blessings to you.
Thank you so much for the song - and for commenting!
DeleteI know you have figured out you'll never stop missing your dad, not matter how long it has been. Dates affect different people different ways. My mother died first, and I remember on the one-year date, it really made no impression on me. I called my dad, and he was much the same. He acknowledged yes, it had been one year, but that was about it. I think we both realized we didn't miss her more on that date than any other. It's been the same with the deaths of my dad and my brother, and most years I don't even think about it until a day or so later. But I realize everyone is different. My wife always remembers the dates her parents died and has sad feelings on those days. I have twinges of grief and sadness about those I have lost, but more randomly and not on any specific date. I like Ed's tradition of doing something like a hike to honor and remember his mom.
ReplyDeleteBob, that is the core of it, is it not? We ultimately never stop missing them. We often write and sing of the finality of death, but in point of fact we too often do not believe that it is the "finality" in this life that it is. We are, in that sense, no different than more ancient societies: they tried to contact the dead through necromancy and seances. We eschew such "ancient" practices, but somehow do not treat death with the earthly finality that it is.
DeleteEd's tradition is indeed worthy of emulation.