Hammerfall 2.0: Down And Up

 As it has been something like 14 years since my last layoff, I had imagined that I had matured to the point that I would be able to manage the emotional ups and downs.

Apparently, I have overestimated myself.  Again.

To be fair, it is not as pronounced as last time.  The occasional outbursts of bitterness I feel towards those who brought this on all of us have managed themselves to a dull roar (though even now new things continue to reveal themselves, indicating things are just as messed up as some of us thought they were).  I am starting already to see the panicky outbreak of "I did not hear anything for 24 hours" attacks, which I attempt to tamp down with "We have a plan.  Work the plan."   The counter argument (I am forever counterarguing with myself) is "What if the plan does not work?"

I have to remind myself "We will then come up with a new plan".

I had mentioned lists before.  Lists help me to focus on those plans.  I have not always been the best list maker, but it is a way for me to direct my angst into action.  Even if it is something a week off, at least it is there.

What I had not anticipated was the wistful depression.

It hit me yesterday as I was flying back to the Ranch.  As we flew over the state which The Ranch was in, it was clearly Spring.  The grounds below me were green with Spring growth and the mountains still covered with snow.  It struck me as sad, because the future of coming out here as regularly is unknown at this point - certainly, tickets are already booked through the end of the year, but who knows what my schedule can or will be.  

Likely I experience this 14 years ago, when the revelation that we had to move made itself abundantly clear.  I just do not specifically recall it - or recall how I dealt with it at the time.  I suspect, like the "panicky" mode, I will simply need to remind myself that there is a plan, and continue to work it.

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On a related but different note, I have a part-time job (pending my background check).

It is at our regional grocery store chain, one where Nighean Bhan and Nighean Dhonn work and where in fact we do our weekly shopping.  Assuming all goes well, I will be a part time employee in the produce department (per New Home State's unemployment laws, I can earn up to 25% of my weekly benefit without impacting it).  

My hope in doing so is threefold:

1) It actually is a very good employer and, if nothing else comes up, could end up being a full time position in time (with benefits and 401k and a stock plan).

2) They have an employee discount on in-house brands - which matters in a time of economic crisis.

3)  I have always maintained that if one can work, one should work.  That should apply to me as much as to anyone else.

Initially I have requested 8-12 hours (to supplement unemployment as above) to start.  My schedule is limited now (I cannot impede my current position) but could open up after June, which would be helpful.

And besides, learning about fruits and vegetables can be a wonderful thing!