For the record, the first day after grief is not what it is cracked up to be.
I have not undergone the death of a close family member in (more or less) person since 1998, and not someone that was unexpected and close since 1993. And certainly I have not lost a parent before. As a result, this is both unfamiliar and unanticipated territory for me.
One goes through the motions, of course. Work has been more or less dealt with for the rest of the week. The notification of family and friends and the Socials has been completed. The contacting of my parents' friends has also occurred, which was actually probably the hardest thing: my family in some sense knew this was coming; their friends probably knew as well and thus his passing (and my call) was probably at some level as expected as it was anticipatorily sad.
The grief - I can only assume it is such - comes and goes in waves, a sort of rising and falling of an unexpected tide that I can neither prepare for or control. I will be thinking or working on something and then suddenly from nowhere, sadness arises. There is no trigger there that I can tell, no code word or thought event or visual signal that suddenly converts me. It just happens.
Everyone has been unfailingly kind. Many offers to do whatever is needed which are as heartfelt as they are unnecessary, at least at the moment - simply for the reason that there is not much to do. The arrangements for the body are being made (if you were wondering, there is an examination by a doctor, followed by a death certificate, followed by the actual ability to cremate the body. The total turnaround time is about two weeks). The appropriate agencies and groups have been contacted. A burial location has been decided on by my sister and I, mostly by dint of deciding where we were most likely to go visit. In that sense, there is very little left to do for awhile.
This was already an offbeat month, with a trip out next week, then back home, then another trip back out a week later to encompass the upcoming adventure, then back home - all told, for the next four weeks, three of them will actually be out there. This has just added to a sense of disorientation that had already existed.
Maybe by divine appointment instead of chance. In a weird sort of way, I almost have a sort of built in reality of not being "plugged in" at work and in fact being totally divorced from it for 1.5 weeks. Certainly enough time, perhaps, to start processing the reality of where I find myself.
None of this was anticipated. I suppose to be fair, it almost never is - even when we tell ourselves "It is coming", we scarcely believe it to be actually true. But perhaps, just because I did not anticipate it, does not mean it was not anticipated.
Just not, perhaps, by me. But then again, given the current rise and fall of emotions, I am not sure that it could be.
My dad died last year after a long illness, so what you write is very real to me. Thank you for writing you experience down. I think people need to understand that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve in whatever way grief comes.
ReplyDeleteThank you Leigh. I think in some ways we are better about being okay with people being sad than we used to be, but it is still hard to accept that it may go one for a while.
DeleteCondolences on your father's death.
And as for writing - for me, I find this to be the therapy most suited to my Nature, partially thanks to the medium: I can pour myself out in anonymity in a way like no other. Hopefully, like the overall experience with my parents over the last two years, someone else can benefit.
Dealing with grief cannot be planned out ahead of time. We feel what we feel when we feel it. When my Dad died, I didn't cry at the hospital. I cried later at home when I saw his clothes and familiar shoes laying on the floor - THAT is when it became real for me.
ReplyDeletePeople are probably going to be extra sensitive on what people say so patience in saying what you want is warranted. Some folks get angry and say something out loud they wish they could take back. Things can be forgiven but some will never be forgotten. A good time to be ready to explain more if they appear to be agitated when this happens.
The next couple of days are going to be long. Go easy on yourself and others.
Thank you. As I am currently back at their home, the reality of him and his things is real in a way it was not two days ago.
DeleteOddly enough, I have more patience with others in their grief than I generally do with my own. I have learned - painfully - that often people say things in the heat of the moment they do not mean, and assume that will be true as well.
Thankfully - as it turns out - I will have a long walk this weekend to consider these things without input. Perhaps this will be precisely when and what is needed.
Coming up on eight years for my Mom and six years for my Dad, that sadness still appears every so often. Prayers out for your family TB.
ReplyDeleteNylon12, I fully expect that to happen. Being here at The Ranch will also increase that, at least for me.
DeleteMy dad died in 1982 at the age of 62.
ReplyDeleteHis declining health due to heart issues made it obvious that he would not have a long life, and yet there is a part of us that puts aside the facts and holds strongly to what we wish the future to be.
I do not have a written down timeline, but I know that the grief lessens and the sharp edged immediacy of loss is replaced by something different.
I find great peace when I remember the good memories of my dad's life, and I still feel a powerful bond when I reach for his tools to do some work.
The challenge we face is getting through the loss and making the journey to some sort of acceptance.
We do not so much "get over it" as we accept that life and the end of life are twisted together.
Thank you John. I appreciate the insight and suspect that yes, over time the feeling will change.
DeleteIn a way, my father has been "gone" for a year now, so in some ways this has already started. I look around even as I type this from The Ranch and see things I associate with him and can remember them - and him with them - with fondness.
I am fortunate (?) in that to date I have not had to ponder this as much as perhaps I should have. But now, here it is.
It has been three and a half years for my mom so I understand completely. I still have moments and honestly, I hope they never fade away completely. I tell people that the hole in my heart is still there but the edges have smoothed over like a rock in a stream to the point where I like to pick it up and hold it for awhile from time to time.
ReplyDeleteIf I’ve learned anything about grief it is this: it’s very personal; it’s different with each person you lose; and it lasts a long time. Ironically, it is also healing. Continued blessings to you, TB.
ReplyDeleteMaybe some of it is, A. But... I handle grief the same way our esteemed blog host does. I comes and goes in waves for me, and I feel grief on two levels. I feel it as a detached old man that knows all about the changing seasons, tides of life and death... and as the heart broken kid that can't handle any of that.
DeleteThere's no shortcuts through that grief either... and maybe there shouldn't be? God bless, TB.
Bob - Thanks for the insight and the comment about the timing. I fear that I will think it should be over far sooner than it will be. And I have to be willing to move into it, which I am not quite ready to do, I think.
DeleteGlen, "detached" is not a bad way to say it. I do feel somewhat detached from everything right now, almost as if I living through something with the motions and have a vast sense of not caring about outcomes.
DeleteThanks for the kind thoughts, Glen. As you say, there are no shortcuts.
May his memory be for a blessing.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I am fortunate in that the memories really are.
DeleteThese comments are really on point. You will find your way. And with your excellent family and friends, you are buttressed with love and care. God will comfort and encourage. I have no doubt.
ReplyDeleteThank you STxAR. I am very blessed in that I have a wonderful network who has been nothing but supportive, from my family who is both there and giving me time to a boss and coworkers who said "Take what time you need and do not worry about what will not get done."
DeleteLast comment was Bob. Posting from my phone makes me “Anonymous.”
ReplyDeleteNo one can tell you how to grieve, and I hope you do not permit anyone to try. These times are as personal as our own eventual passing.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for the meditative chronicle that you post. It gives me a lot to think about. When my mother passed, among all the sense of loss, was a good deal of relief. I had been saying for weeks that I just didn't want to see the woman suffer any longer, as she was hemiplegic, aphasic, and aphagic from her stroke. It seems, from the hints you've given, that your father did not suffer at his end, but peacefully "slipped the surley bonds of earth".
The only other thought I can add for you is to be kind to yourself, and let come what may. Wishing you the peace that a true understanding of the Stoics may bring.
I am fortunate Greg - to date no one has suggested a "program" of grief, and I am trying in turn to respect how my own family members process this.
DeleteIn one sense - to your point - it was a blessing. In some ways, this was similar to what happened to his own father (my paternal grandfather) who would have been no more happy than my father at how the last part of his life went. At this point to what we know (waiting the doctor's evaluation), it was relatively quick and without suffering.
I am working on being kind to myself. Primarily - to be frank - this involves me being willing to understand that work is simply not going to get done.
I'm so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you John.
DeleteTB, you describe grief pretty much how I experience it. The waves come unbidden, and often when we least expect it and are unprepared for the flood of emotions and thoughts. Again, you and yours will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, TB. It seems like we just always think of our parents of 'being there'. In a sense they will still be 'there' but in memories and stories. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete~hobo