When I was younger, I thought I was meant to be a pastor.
This came about sometime in my post college years. I cannot say that I was specifically "called" - after all, if God speaks (and I believe He can), I do not not know that I have heard him in that way - but it was a strong a feeling as I had experienced about something.
In the early '90's, I started the process (sort of pre-stage 1), but it went nowhere. The feeling persisted and I formally followed through in the Fall of 1998 and Spring of 1999. As part of that process for the denomination I was in at the time, we were required to undergo a three day processes of intensive testing and some level of psychoanalysis to make sure that we "fit" the profile of a successful pastor.
I did not pass the test.
My intent was noble, of course, but the meeting with the main assessor and the accompanying letter (a fairly thick one) suggested that I as I was prone to depression and needed to work through that. They suggested more counseling and maybe pursuing an alternative career, like a Ph.D. in Classical Studies and a career in teaching. Only after that work related to depression was done (and proven) and the degree and teaching experience demonstrated (perhaps) should I consider re-applying for the ministry.
I had felt career devastation before, when I failed the first round of the Foreign Service Exam in 1993. That was nothing compared to what I read in the report that was delivered to my door (and was forwarded to the synod). It is one thing to have a governmental body think you should not move forward. It is another to have an organization which is some way represents your God and your beliefs list you as "not recommended".
However, the process was not over. Even though I had their formal recommendation not to advance me, I still had to complete the process of going to the synod meeting and getting formally rejected. The drive there was bad enough. The drive back was worse, not so much that I did not know what was coming (I did) as it was that one was not simply washed out at the evaluation phase and could simply withdraw; I had to go and get formally rejected although everyone knew that was what was going to happen anyway.
The analysis suggestion, of course, was interesting but completely unrealistic. Did I struggle with depression? I did (still do, in some ways). But I was in my mid-30's, we recently had our first daughter, and I was working as a manufacturing tech at a medical device company. A four year program to go into the ministry would have been difficult, but at least there was a pathway and plan. A four to six year program with limited to no income and no firm job at the end was another.
(One could always attend seminary, of course. It was just that there would be no job at the end of the process, making it an expensive "study for fun" exercise.)
I write that because it has come to my attention that perhaps in some way, my involvement with and interaction with churches has been, at some level trying to disprove that assessment.- or said another way, me trying to prove to myself and God that this was the sort of role I was meant to fill.
Was not moving forward in the ministry the right outcome? Certainly even if I had somehow been allowed to continue (our pastor at the time, who had recommended me, made a formal complaint to the synod), I would likely have had to separate from the church at some point as it and I went very different ways. and there is enough water under my bridge now that I can more fully understand some of things that a pastor does - and frankly, I likely would not be good at them.
But the ultimate assessment came down not to whether I felt I had a call or not (perhaps debatable at best). What it came down to is whether people thought, not that I had a call, but rather that I would be a success in that position based as much or more on my mental state (real or perceived) than any sort of calling.
What if my involvement - my coming in and going away and in some ways, my stand-offishness to more involvement in any of the churches I have been in - is not fully a thing of my seeking right or holiness but my simple sin and my anger and resentment about being "denied" the calling that I thought I had, and instead one long march in proving them - and perhaps - God wrong, and myself right?
Maybe that report was telling you God had a more important purpose for you. Being a member of the clergy is daunting - so many people expect them to say exactly what will make them happy and content. God's assistant is a hard job.
ReplyDeleteI also had 'Life Plans' that didn't fall into place, but where I ended up isn't bad at all.
It very well could be - I am cognizant of the fact (now, anyway) that there are a great many things about being a pastor that I might not be so good about. Also, I see my faults far more clearly now than before; like most of us, I have critical points of failure which it has taken me years (to date) to overcome - failing at one of those as a pastor would have been created a circle of destruction.
DeleteFortunately through the years and often with the help of commenters on this blog, I have come to make peace with the way my life has gone. Those opportunities did not manifest, but others did, others that have proved perhaps equally satisfying and certainly serviceable in other ways to the Body.
I have been blogging friends with a pastor here on blogger for nearly the last two decades. Personally, I have watched as two different boys in my church have grown up and become priests. Finally, my favorite priest, the one who converted me to Catholic many years ago, is getting closer to retirement. In all these cases, it just felt right to me that they were men of the cloth. I can't put my finger on it, but they were all gifted with being able to converse with a parishioner and keep it dialed into the subject at hand without feeling like they were taking control.
ReplyDeleteI've also known several bad priests over the years too who were complete opposites and I've always wondered if they somehow slipped through the testing you describe or just lost their faith along the way.
Ed, agreed that those who have the calling can be sensed. That said, I think it is often the same for many professions: there are teachers (my sister among them) who were simply "meant" to be teachers or performers (like The Director) that were "meant" to act, direct, and write. I am a great believer in callings. That said, of course, there also seems to be a grab bag for those of us that are not specifically "called".
DeleteThe reason this denomination had put the assessment in place was precisely to prevent burnout, failure, or "bad behavior". And I have met former pastors that simply decided at some point it was no longer for them - which is more than fair; it is a very difficult line of work.
I started a program to become a licensed worker in a denomination about 12 years ago. They were doing their best to weed out undesirables. I can understand that. I was given an interim pastorate for two years, but didn't finish the process for ordination. It was eye opening though. They were "company" men. Income was important. Actual spiritual growth wasn't. I'm fairly sure that was just a district problem.
ReplyDeleteI am prone to be suspicious of personality testing for pastors. Moses "pastored" Israel in a way that Joshua did not. When there is a change in pastors, there WILL be a change in direction. And Elijah had a very major depression episode at least once. But God used him like no other prophet.
Sometimes I wonder if denominations are looking for pastors that fit their "brand". There seems to be a sameness or uniformity at times. I didn't lobotomize myself when I was in the process, and my touch was WAY different than the previous pastor.
It could be that was God's leading, or it could be that you are a para-church worker. Like Cornelius, or Tabitha in Acts, you are a minister, just not a licensed, ordained one. More like what Jesus had in mind when He gave the Great Commission: "And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
STxAR - One of the comments that struck me the most at the time was a comment by my then manager, who was not particularly religious but was rather dumbfounded that such an assessment was the major consideration for advancing. Fair to say it made the whole dimension of spirituality suspect in his book.
DeleteAt least in my former denomination, all such callings had to be approved by the synod committee and the bishop - so in a sense I am pretty sure that there was "standard" sort of pastor and pastoral outlook. I suspect this is a feature of both conservative and liberal churches.
Certainly a "no" there did not preclude service in other arenas, although I will say that the things I found (and find) myself good at - writing, for example - literally have no place in 90% of all churches for outreach or service.
I spent a year as a custodian for our church and school after being laid off from a prestigious IT position in 2001. The entire congregation was praying for me to find suitable employment. Spoke with the Pastors daily. The poverty I was falling into caused consideration of seminary. The career ship finally did arrive. But that journey was long and difficult. How much difficulty would I have faced as a seminary student I’ll never know.
ReplyDeleteI learned a lot about prayer and faith. :- )
Last comment regarding prayer and faith.
ReplyDeleteFrom Franknbean
Franknbean - I only had a 4 month job loss in 2009 and it was incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine a year (Well, yet anyway. Who knows about the future?).
DeleteSeminary has its own stresses I am sure - especially now I suspect, where finding a job in your field is as difficult as many others, especially for those that do not have a "track" like denominations. I have certain met plenty of folks got their degree in some form of Christian studies that were not working in the field.
Perhaps faith and prayer is really the meant outcome of all of this.
The faith and the church are two different things, TB. Given the conduct and directions certain churches have taken… you might even regard such a rejection as a compliment and a confirmation of God’s favour.
ReplyDeleteI am getting the impression there is chaos brewing with the elders in our little church. One has resigned for ‘personal reasons’ and the other four are obviously divided. All are exceptional men like yourself, but the times are divisive and the war on Christianity is taking its toll. They are trying to hide it all and keep a lid on it…but I can see it. I *think* the conflict is over the place of our church in the current times and what its role should be.
Glen - Agreed that the faith and church are separate, although they are connected in a deep sense - Paul said "Do not forsake meeting together". That may not specifically be a church and a church service, but that is the most customary form. And yes, I likely would not be in the ministry now, or at least in that denomination.
DeleteIt is undoubtedly a hard time to be an elder, deacon, or leader in the church. One thing I do appreciate about the current church we are at are that deaconships are an annual commitment. One can "tap out" at the end of the year with no issues.
I have been in churches that to some extent air their proverbial dirty laundry, and it is always an ugly process. It may very well be that the easiest thing is simply to step down. Disunity - real or imagined - brings with it is own set of issues.
Again, no regrets - what's done is done. What can be and will be done is what matters now.
ReplyDeleteIndeed John - although it would have been super cool to make a career out of studying Classical Literature and History, a lot cooler than my current mode of earning an income.
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