We were able to visit TB The Elder and Mom yesterday.
Fortunately for us, it was an early Spring day here in Old Home, the sort that makes for a good outdoor visit. The staff had brought my parents out to the deck in back, which was in the sun. My mother was in a blue sweat suit (the "zip up" kind we have been discussing); my father was in more regular clothes but was wearing a kind of hat I associate with Vince Lombardi or Tom Landry. As he was generally a "baseball" hat kind of person, it was a different - but good - look.
It is probably more appropriate that I should call this "A Visit With Mom And TB The Elder", as my father was not quite awake when we showed up and rapidly slipped off back to sleep as we visited; apparently he has been waking up at 0300 thinking he needs to be up somewhere doing something. I am sure this is a draining for him as it is for the staff members that have to deal with this. As a result, I think he knew we were there but not for very long (As a note, this makes 3 months since I have really spoken with my father).
My mother, however was quite engaged. We were fortunate as not only was the weather pleasant, but the staff had placed the house cockatiel out on a table in its cage. It chirped and chattered away and made for a pleasant subject for discussion.
The visit, as other visits, is essentially driven by my sister and I. We talked about what the grandchildren were doing, that my mother's nephew is getting married this year, the weather, pets, what traveling various family members are doing this year. My mom always listens and smiles and nods and seems involved, even as I am reasonably sure she is quite fuzzy on the people we are discussing.
At one point when we were talking about birthdays, my mother said "I should write that down". That made me smile, as that was something that she had been saying quite a bit in the period before we moved her. It reminded me of slightly happier times, which is a memory I could use right now.
30 minutes is our limit for various reasons - we run out of subjects, my parents sometimes lose interest or simply seem tired - and so at the end I went over to the door to get someone's attention. As the staff member was coming out and we were trying to convince my mom to wait for someone to help her, she told my sister "TB the Elder is asleep. We should wake him".
The fact that she still remembers my father's name - even if she has forgotten all of ours - still gives me a reason to be happy. Sometimes in these situations, one grasps at the smallest straws to find the joy.
It sounds like a nice visit was had. I'm glad you and your sister had a chance to catch up with them. That cockatiel provided by staff is a good idea - animals often have that stimulating effect on the person. A 'Here and Now' topic.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - Thank you! The cockatiel was a lucky occurrence, but you are right - animals are something that most people remember and indeed, are something that can be seen and talked about "right there".
DeleteDuring my mom's final days, I often had to remind myself that she was still there somewhere even if it was the cancer that was making the outward appearances. Combining that thought with old memories brought me a lot of comfort.
ReplyDeleteEd, I have to do the same thing. Buried beneath all the apparent inability to remember is my mother.
DeleteI would counter that those are more substantial than straws. More like the first rays of sunshine on the ark after 30 days and nights of thrumming rain! And yes, enjoy everything you can about the visit.
ReplyDeleteThe relationships are transitioning... And you are aware they are. That is a blessing.... Different than the "butterfly departing" last week.
Ed is spot on. When mom was in a coma and had general edema, she was almost unrecognizable. But the sound of our voices caused changes in her heart rate. We knew she heard us, somewhere in there.
That is fair STxAR. I guess in one sense this has been a long, slow transition that we have had plenty of time to ease into.
DeleteBefore my maternal grandmother passed, she was in a coma for almost a year. Every day my mother would drive down and take my grandfather with her and read to her. She very much felt it made a difference.
I know these visits can be hard. I'm glad you were able to find things to take away from the visit that make you happy. A cockatiel! What a great idea to have that there for the residents. AND visitors. Is it always there?
ReplyDeleteBecki, I think it is. They also have a little dog about the place. The owner also brings her young daughter in often, which brings out a lot of smiles.
DeleteA blessed visit, TB. I am happy for you all.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
It was a nice visit Linda. Thank you.
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