It was a somewhat visceral reaction, brought on by looking up some former friends and coworkers and following up on what was going on in their lives. As I reviewed a few of them, I suddenly realized that it seemed that there were a great many things going on in their lives, things leading to forward progress.
In my life, I realized, not so much.
It is not as if I am not busy. I have most of the activities that I had going on prior to The Plague striking, for example: Iaijutsu, weight training, reading, writing, cheese, gardening, work, other bits and pieces that fill the time. But I suddenly realized that I just felt like for many of these I was just going through the motions, rather than making some kind of significant progress I could point to.
To be fair, for many of my activities progress is hard to measure both because it would be visible to a small community and it is in many cases unnoticeable. It is easy to display enrollment and progress on a college degree, for example. It is much less easy to display progress in a discipline such as Iaijustsu where it is not constantly on display and is really only noticed by myself and a very small group of practitioners.
Work is no help in this regard either, as my new role means I am working with projects that in some cases can take a year or more to materialize - and my role, a background voice trying to move everyone in the same direction and compete with other voices also asking for attention, is at best the sort of back office job that everyone appreciates after the project is complete but is lost during the execution phase.
Ah, you might say, but what about God? God and I are having a bit of struggle at this point - or rather, I am struggling (this is not His problem, by any stretch of the imagination). I am in the odd position of not feeling connected to the current body of believers I belong to but conscious enough of myself to know that just "changing churches" is not really going to fix things the way they need to be fixed.
I keep thinking that there is some sort of thought process I should do to reorganize, some way that I can simply "shake this off" and get refocused. But I keep failing to come up with that "magical action" to do that - nor do I think it is that easy. The reality is that in some ways I am here because of factors that at least feel out of my control and choices - perhaps unconscious as well as conscious - that I have made, and that I am only dealing with the outcomes of them.
But, surely, this sort of thing is not intended to be permanent?
God and I weren't on speaking terms for a long long time. Mom was a devout Catholic and convincing me to go back to church was met with rolling eyes. After her death, I began to speak with him, praying for my family and departed friends and family. It helps.
ReplyDeleteCOVID now prevents me from attending services in person. I watch the Catholic service on television. It isn't the same but far better than nothing. Heart of the Nation is the program.
Focus on one's Life - I think when that happens to me, its my subconscious prodding me to consider making some needed changes. More time with family that I neglect to do maybe. Life is struggle, both physically and mentally. Regrets are real.
Anonymous, the Plague has added to an already growing separation I had from my current church. I have been speaking with God on the subject (literally an hour ago) and what I came up with is that I have allowed a need for corporate holiness to exceed my involvement in personal holiness (this will probably end up as a separate post).
DeleteI find myself on the cusp of what seems like a great number of changes, although I cannot see what they fully are from here. And that may be part of the problem as well. It is the same as being in the ending parts of a relationship where in a sense you both know it is over but you are going through the motions to get through to the end of the year, a milestone, something. But as you say, a good reason to think on what needs changing.
Thanks for stopping by!
In my opinion, feeling that you are in a rut is only important to you. If one doesn't care what other people think, then the feelings of being in a rut go away. I quit thinking what other people think for the most part years ago so haven't felt like I am in a rut though I would surely be considered in one by your definition above.
ReplyDeleteFair, Ed. It is a nagging subthought I have had about this. As I commented to Glen below, I have this rather alarming need (apparently) to be thought of by other people. Which probably says more about my state of mind than anything else.
DeleteWhat is it about these guys “accomplishing things” that makes you say that, TB?
ReplyDeleteThere are times at night, when it’s just me and the dark, and I’m having awful dreams about being left behind and forgotten... and then I wake up and realize that’s okay. The cheese, the sword swingin’, the rabbits and your Maker are what count.
You know Glen, that is a great question that I have been giving some thought too (and may end up as a separate blog post). I think it has to do with two things. One is this rather odd sense that I am rather concerned about what people think of me (they do not, for the most part I am sure; this is a problem within myself). The other is this sense I always carry around that I am not doing enough or trying hard enough - you would not know that based on the number of things I do, but there it is. Odd, is it not?
DeleteHAR HAR HAR!
DeleteNot at all. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt! If ya figure it out, let me know!
Well, I am in good company then!
DeleteThirty chapter class. Start one.
ReplyDeletePart 1: find one man you can have an accountability relationship with.
Part 2: you both read the same thirty chapters of the Bible in 6 days. then meet on the seventh to discuss what you read.
Part 3: end the meeting with accountability questions tailored to your weaknesses. Were you truthful all week? Did you pray at least daily? Did you do a line of coke with hooker? End with are you being truthful to me right now?
It helped jump start my relaltionship with God more than a decade ago. And my accountability partner lied through his teeth to me. But I grew measurably.
We are pilgrims, not residents here. we are preparing for launch day.
What a wonderful idea STxAR. I probably consume that much in a week now (well, maybe 20 chapters).
DeleteHow unfortunate - and weird - your accountability partner was dishonest. Kind of misses the point.
You take it serious, and good will come out of it. Just like life, the only person you are responsible for is you.
DeleteYes, I lost what I thought was a close friend. It was sad to me then, but clarity is what I crave now. If I can see clearly, the way is obvious... for the most part.
I am coming to value clarity above all else.
DeleteI am in a spiritual struggle. I worship in prayer the Creator, the Holy One, the Director of the Universe. I revel in the security of His watchfulness. Yet so many scriptures lead me to believe that He wants to be my Friend. To open up my sorrows, problems, concerns seems to make me a whiner. Working on a balance. God Bless----Julia
ReplyDeleteJulia, I understand that. My problems and worries seem so trivial in the scope of all of creation. It is hard to find the balance.
DeleteIn my life, my relationship with God is a variable. Sometimes it is so strong...othertimes dry and lifeless. I try to remember two things: The first is that I've never gone looking for him and not found him. The second thing is that knowledge that all relationships have their highs and their lows. I've been married for 22 years. I see it in my marriage. I see it in my relationship with my children. My friends. I try to accept that the ebbs and flows are a part of life unfolding, and wait patiently and expectantly. It is hard. I would counsel you NOT to give up your church right now. It fed you before. Perhaps you're just not as 'hungry' as you were before. I don't know. But wait it out. Once you feel the relationship with God to be on good footing, that would be the time for you to look at your church and the relationships there. If you still feel that it is time for a change, that would be a time to do it. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debby. That is rather good advice - and one I have been kind of working my way towards in a sort of slow way. Like most things, making a significant change in the midst of a hard time usually does not make for a wise decision. I will start with the relationship as you suggest, and then see where we end up.
Deletenot much for religion myself but in my opinion everything suffers through comparision and comparing anything is only a way to say 'this one is better'. Perhaps a crate of frosty libations is in order. Followed by swearing at injustices.
ReplyDeleteEGB, you are not far off the mark. Comparison by its very practice is determining that something is "better" than something else. No-one compares two items and says "Well, that is about equal".
DeleteBut frosty libations and swearing at injustices represents a thoughtful backup plan.