We are going through a series of rainy and warm cycles right now, jumping from mid-60's and warm to mid-40's and rainy.
It seems to reflect my mood right now.
I find myself...confused. I am essentially at the top of my earning bracket (realistically), and have now - with two major exceptions - purchased or procured all of my "wants". The money is nice - having not had it at one time makes the having all that much better - but I can honestly say I have never been more stressed or worked more to achieve that.
We are going through a slow departmental shrinkage as well - not that the company is losing people, rather that the functionalities that report to me having been dropping off: first one, now two and three in succession. I am not overly worried about it - after all, it should allow me to focus all the more - yet it - again - signals a certain end to my meteoric (arguably) rise in the last few years.
Why does this all leave me so empty?
It is not that I object to work, or even hard work, or the money. What I find concerning is the fact that my life more and more seems consumed by something which engages my soul less and less.
And so I spend my days like the weather, sometimes hot and humid with stress or even excitement, other times cold and wet with confusion and depression. I feel like I am being pushed towards some point of decision, some point at which I will have to choose some things above other things.
A thing that I, a person who abhors actually confronting decisions, finds to be death itself.
Or, perhaps this time, life.
It is the Stubfart's Conundrum, TB. Or, at least it was for me.
ReplyDeleteIf ya spend too much time at work, you wonder how much of your life is seeping away without any time to stop and smell the flowers. If ya stop and smell the flowers, you feel guilty for not being at work, and you wonder what the tards are getting up to in your absence.
I am slowly getting over that, and transitioning to the next phase of life, which we can call being 'The Yesterday Man'. We don't give a hoot about the world or where it goes - and the world reciprocates in no uncertain terms!
You'll figure it out and do alright.
I do feel for you, TB. God bless.
ReplyDeleteYes. I can relate. I need to decide if I want to continue in the job I once loved, but now seems to suck the life out of me. It's not the people it's the way my profession has morphed over time, the lack of support, the change in clientele, increased expectations without compensation, and lack of foresight and communication by leadership. It's hard to consider something else, but I keep wondering if the stress is a signal that something else out there is waiting. As a planning person, it's hard to quit without knowing what is next. But after 3 years of feeling this way with no real change (there are good days, but the bad tend to outnumber them), I'm wondering if my talents might be better used elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteGlen, I think you are right - and I do love the term "Yesterday Man". It describes me almost to a tee.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I suspect I am on the edge of a transition, although a little bit behind you.
Thanks Linda. It will pass. It always does.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - That would be very hard, especially if it is a job you once loved. I am a little insulated in that sense in that it is a job that I have done for many years, but not one that I am passionate about.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to consider something else - at least for me, have been in the industry for 20+ years and realizing that in terms of career growth, I have reached my effective max. All now is money based.
It is very hard without a plan. I am struggling with this myself. But I am also struggling with the thought of another 1-7 years here and what that would feel like.
Thanks for stopping by!
I think that there's nothing wrong with earning money. But if you feel empty, a decision really needs to be thought about. Maybe not made immediately, but thought about. I read a quote today from a Native American man who said something to the effect of, when we wear ourselves down through the pursuit of work, we slowly lose touch with the earth, that's when we will realize we can eat our money. I think that quote had more to do with go-getters who focus only on consumerism and pollute the earth, but it's a good quote anyway! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd that is what I am thinking, Rain - not now (But it is always now, is it not? Until it is too late). And I do think that it is true, that if our focus is only our work, we lose the view of the larger world around us (including, in my case, the earth.
ReplyDeleteWe have now at least broached the conversation at home - more of a theoretical discussion at this point ("What if we managed our money so that you could quit in X years) - but it is a start.