Struggling With My Allowance

The capacity for self-deception always seems endless - I always believe that I know myself better than I think I do, yet constantly find that there are levels previously uncharted, just waiting for me to discover them.

This week's adventure involves money.  But really, it involves a rather high level of lack of self control on my part.

I have an allowance, something I get once a month that is supposed to be for me to spend.  It is more than I was probably every allocated (no, not that much.  But enough).  The problem is that I like to have my allowance plus.

I am creative in the ways I sometimes find to engage the "regular" budget.  It is an expense that we need anyway (yes, but probably not that thing I am getting).  I work hard, so I deserve a little extra (yes, so does The Ravishing Mrs. TB).  There was an expense over there that was not me, so I am entitled over here (in that endearing version of "Two wrongs do not make a right").  Or that bestest of reasons, "I am just entitled to it".

If you think this sounds like a five year old in a candy shop, you would be correct.

To be clear again, we are not talking large money amounts here.  No motorcycles or trucks have been acquired in the making of this.  But the underlying problem is no less paralyzing for all of its mendacity:  I simply do not want to live on a budget and I lack some level of basic self control.

I am trying to get better - for 2020, I have a list of what I think I am going to spend.  Everything goes on the list.  Book titles? On the list. Athletic events?  Also on the list.  Iai seminars?  On the list.  And then I calculate what I have.  In fact, this year I have gone one better, trying to actually budget within my budgeted amount to remove even another level of guidance and impulse spending.

This is not a necessarily a request for anything, other than perhaps a confessional for myself (we do that here sometimes).  And chance for me to get out, mostly for myself, something that continues - even at my age - to be a struggle.

There will always be a little more that I want than I have the money for.  And I need to learn to accept it, and scale my desires appropriately.