I realized this week that I am on the edge of a burnout.
A great deal of this is attributable to work - working 45-55 hours weeks on a regular basis (including stopping in electronically from vacations) on a regular basis tends to slowly drain the reserves.
But beyond just the "Get Up - Go To Work - Go Home - Live - Go To Bed" is the very real sense that I have very little energy or interest at all.
My life feels like it has become a series of preplanned activities. Give me a time of day, and I can likely tell you what I will be doing. 0630? Probably journaling or eating breakfast. 1800? Driving home, or watering. 2130? At Iai, or at the gym.
In other words, my life has become a programmed list of activities that all seem to radiate from the main trunk, which is called "work".
Strangely enough, realizing this makes me feel slightly better - not that it actually changes the situation mind you, but simply that I allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I am actually in a situation where I can say, "Yes, I am having burn out." The problem is that I have very little idea of how one goes about reversing a burn out.
I cannot believe that the solution is just "do something different" as that would not only just add another item to the list of things that already need to be done but because it does not address the root cause of the issue. And what is the nature of that cause?
Aye, there is the rub. I somehow think it is work, but I suspect it is something far deeper and therefore more difficult to root up and fix.
But neither can I just wait around for things to change - because thing like this never become better of their own volition. I have been reviewing potential steps in my head:
1) Start reducing my hours at work: This is a must, although I am not sure that it really does all that I hope it will. Forcing myself to work something more like a 40 hour week would at least jump start the mental process of finding life outside of work.
2) Find a future: Iai and weight training, which seem to fill my activity void, are all quite engaging - but they are very much a present activity in that they are down in the here and now with future outcome somewhat vague (e.g. become faster and stronger). I need to find something not just for the sake of finding something different or putting it on the list but for the sake of finding something that I see that is building a future that I can see and taste. - something that helps me to see that there is something on the other side of this current mountain.
Because another year or two in this mindset and things become very dark indeed.
I wish I had an answer for you, TB. If you find it, let me know, 'cause I'm there too. My life feels like Groundhog Day. I pray on this, and God keeps saying "Wait." My arms are too short to box with God, so wait, I will.
ReplyDeleteChanges are coming, TB, and how. All we can do at this point is to be ready for the heavy rolls as the ship comes about...
One thing that crept up on me and hit me like a sand bag is that us fathers get preoccupied with looking after everyone else. In these days that is becoming harder and harder to do. It just keeps on getting harder and harder to make a decent living on the financial side, and on the cultural side the evil arrayed against us gets stronger every day. Being a straight white family man and meeting all his classical expectations and responsibilities is no longer possible for many of us. Too many men get caught up in caring for others and forget to care for themselves these days.
ReplyDeleteAs I get older I find I need time to just vegetate and try and digest things. I won't work over time any more - period. My job pays enough to cover my bullets, beans and beer and maybe put a little away. I am spending more time on my faith, and prepping. We all have to look after ourselves at some point and sometimes the best we can ask is not to be a burden on others. To me right now that is the focus of my life as I head into old age.
Your mission is both remarkably easy and incredibly difficult. You need to find out what makes you tick. It becomes more difficult as that changes over the course of a man's life. What you find today may change tomorrow.
Half a year ago I walked away from my ex-employers and haven't looked back. I haven't found what makes me tick, but I am sure enjoying the trip looking for it. I live free and simple now - and life is much better.
Pete - Oh, I was sure hoping you would have something, because I surely seem not to. Groundhog Day seems a very apt comparison.
ReplyDeleteAnd it sure seems like we are locked on to something, like a missile, towards a destination none of us can see - but when we get there, like a missile, all will change instantly.
Glen, what a well thought out (and thoughtful) answer. Yes, we do as fathers tend to get to the point of looking out for others more often than ourselves - and yes, living in the current age means our looking-outness is really something that is less and less welcomed (although our financial contribution-ness has not changed at all).
ReplyDeleteI have not quite reached the point of not workig overtime - but I am definitely reaching the point where it is not something I can maintain much longer. Frankly, a simple 40 week would be a dream at this point.
I am hoping that the increase in pay, over the short term, will allow us to get our financial house in order such that I can look towards scaling back (which, honestly, I would have no problem doing. My life outside of work right now is Iai, lifting, reading, writing, and some meager attempts at gardening. My needs are greatly simplified).
About two months ago The Ravishing Mrs. TB asked how long I had left at my job. "Well, until June at least" - which would move the younger two to college and high school. I am hard pressed to really see my way much past that now.
I want to actually be able to enjoy some portion of my life while I still have the health and mind to do it, instead of pouring everything into getting there only to find I have little to work with.