That annoying feeling that you are changing, but you do not necessarily understand how.
You can feel it going on in the back of your mind. Things do not seem to fit quite right into your life anymore. You follow patterns of living that have been established, perhaps sometimes for years, yet there is a certain hollowness to them. Things which previously seemed important, even critical to your life, have faded from vivid colors to shades of gray.
It is not that you are questioning anything - at least not consciously. But a feeling arises that you know have felt before, the sense that the world as it exists for you does not quite work anymore the way it used to. It is as if your mind has recognized this, but events and conscious thought have not caught up.
You keep looking for a clue, a sign, - something, anything to tell you where to begin to chip away at this seeming impenetrable darkness to the light which is behind it. But the questions echo back at you in the darkness, returned without response.
And so you continue on, a butterfly in a chrysalis perhaps, quietly wearing away at the surrounding routine that is your life with the hope that at one point, somewhere along the chain, that tiny crack that will begin to let in the truth will finally appear.
As Jesus would say if He were incarnate today, "Geddin, siddown, shuddup, and hangon!" Times like this, about all we can do is trust in God, and hang on for the ride!
ReplyDeleteA lot of thinking there.
ReplyDeleteMy initial thought was, you are getting older. I have noticed changes as I have gotten older.
But, good luck with your thinking. Have a blessed weekend! :-)
I like your definition of Christ's Words, Pete! You are correct, maybe the weight of larger things is hovering over me as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda. I think in some ways that is likely true as well - certainly, my horizons have changed in the last few months.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Linda on this one, I thought the same thing. I notice the older I get the more I question the 'old ways', things I've done for years. I've decided some things are not worth doing anymore; that perhaps I never really liked nor was interested in these things ever--that I just did them because it was required of me or everyone did it. I feel like I'm continually coming more into my true self, and frankly, I like it. I like this exciting path! I think when we get older, we've seen plenty of (for lack of a better description) crap happen, and the wool can no longer be pulled over our eyes. We can see things clearly, therefore, we no longer accept lies or foolishness. Frankly, we have become (more) wise!
ReplyDeleteHi Joy! Thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteI have found what you say to be true, although I am a reluctant antiquarian and so part with things only with difficulty. On the other hand, I am coming to grips with the fact that as I do grow older, I have less time to spend on things and so am concentrating on fewer things - as you say, coming into my truer self, or at least a version of myself that can finally focus.
And yes, being older means you have seen lots and can evaluate things based on what has occurred instead of only on your merits. In my experience, you also come to have less patience with things and people and conversations that eat time and lead nowhere.