It is odd to me how easily a rage can come on.
Perhaps more oddly, it is almost never the doing of an outside force or action. It is, at least for me, almost always an internal business.
The fault that I have is that I can dwell on something - and once I dwell on anger, it quickly passes over into the realm of blind rage. It feeds on itself, a sort of personal nuclear fission that grows and rages like a furnace in my soul, building and building until all of my moods and thoughts have been overcome by it.
If I am honest about it, I know when it is happening and could, if I so wished, stop it. Pretty easily, too: pick another chain of thought, turn my inner eye away, or even just tell myself "No". It is a choice and like any other choice, can be chosen otherwise.
I do not, of course. And that is the more frightening reality.
Why do I do this, I wonder? Why would I willingly create a holocaust in my heart and soul over something which is almost always unworthy of such an emotion? And why do I go back - repeatedly - to bathe myself in its fiery and unholy light?
The one thing that is true about rage is that it requires little thought, once achieved. One's mind is focused and anything like self doubt or an examination of where one has done wrong is banished. It is a singular emotion, a one way thought pattern to amazing energy and forcefulness of action - a very dark energy of course, and the sort of forcefulness that can irreparably harm one's own soul or others by harsh words (or worse). But it can be almost addicting in its power.
So why do I return? I, as with barrenness of thought, wish I knew. But it worries me, this willingness to engage in patterns that are neither useful nor helpful. The only road it leads down is one no sensible person wants to take.
I relate, but for me the emotion that I seem to harbour too often is worry that leads to doubt and anxiety. I haven't quite mastered the art of changing my thinking completely, but most of the time I'm able to say "Rain, cut it out already." and do something to make me feel positive and happy again. I've always thought of anger as an emotion that, as you said is addicting, but also like an out of control freight train that needs to crash before the "conductor" realizes how quickly the damage can get out of hand.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that amazes me, Rain, is how stubbornly I will cling to it in the face of knowing that it ultimately does me no good. It is not as if rage leads to a good resolution to a situation ever. The freight train analogy is a very good one - it does get out of control very easily and seldom ends well (and yes, I have the same problem with worry).
DeleteThanks for stopping by!
I knew someone with an anger problem and the way you described your post made me think of him. He was always remorseful later on, but he realized that the more he let it get out of control, the bigger the losses. He told me that it was easier to stay mad then to try to calm himself down. He said it felt good to hurt other people because he was hurting as well and taking it out on others soothed him. I think it does make sense, but like you said, it seldom ends well! Rage is an emotion like all others, my problem emotion is fear and the only person it hurts is me in the end. It's really hard to reign it in. But if you think of it, the power of feeling joy has just as much impact, but good impact, so yes, the question is, why do we stubbornly cling to it??? Very thoughtful post!! :)
DeleteThere is an element of that, to be sure - when in pain, sometimes inflicting pain feels as if it is a relief. It never is, of course - inflicting pain is, ultimately, causing pain to someone or something else.
DeleteA really good thought about joy too - yet somehow I struggle to maintain joy. It is much harder, at least for me. Maybe it is like the Apostle Paul said: The good I wish to do I struggle to do and that which I do not want to do, I do.
And thank you for the kind words. Quite day brightening!
Oh you're welcome! :) I do get deep thoughts once in a while, lol!
DeleteHopefully we all do from time to time!
DeleteAll you can do is, to the best of your ability, remove emotion from your decision-making. Emotion of any kind interferes with wisdom, when it comes to conflict...
ReplyDeleteVery wise advice indeed Pete, and one that I am only slightly better at than when I was younger. Most of my bad decisions seem to start with an emotion somehow. Interestingly enough, I have managed to learn to do this in my work environment but not in my personal life.
Delete