Selfishness

Selfishness is an terrible, beautiful thing.

It can become a blinding light in our lives, burning white hot in its intensity.  It crowds out all else:  common sense, decency, morals, even God.

It seems innocent enough at first:  a quiet interest in something, perhaps even a passing fancy.  But as time passes we find that it is hardly passing:  it slow grows in our mind, an object which becomes The Thing from which we can derive great personal pleasure.

And we need it.

Given enough time and space it will come to consume all of our thoughts, all of our life.  It becomes the raging fire to which our life is dedicated to, the Holy Grail we would sell our very souls for to seek.  We can push ourselves to the point that thing is so needed that other people, other relationships become obstacles in the quest for The Thing.

Even to the point that we will deny the happiness of others to achieve It.

I wish I had a better way to fight it.  I do not of course:  I fumble my way through, perhaps try to divert my mind or bring it back to where it needs to be.  And sometimes I am successful - only to find myself lapsing back, hypnotically entranced by the dancing shadow flames of desire.

It matters not that The Thing will not ultimately live up to what we think it will:  we know in our heart of hearts that it will.

Until that day, that the fire collapses, the illusion slowly drifts away, and all we find is ourselves holding the ash - not of the The Thing we desired so badly, but of the rest of our lives.