Wind and Prayer and Church

The wind was blowing heavily when I woke up this morning, raking through the trees and creating a rushing sound as it blows through the streets and over houses.  It reminded me to simply sit before God.

My prayer life is not what I want it to be or what it needs to be.  It staggers back and forth between a rote series of requests that I make or a semi-conscious attempt to stay awake as I stumble over the things that I think I should be praying about.

The wind this morning reminded me I should simply sit before God.

And so I sat.  I would love to report that the experience was such that I had a profound religious awakening, that the presence of God was deeply felt as I simply sat before Him and waited.   Alas, the opposite was true:  I struggle both to not pray rotely and to simply stay awake.

It did reveal one thing to me as I sat there though:  how truly distant I find myself to be from God.

I feel it in my soul. It haunts me as I go about my day.  I have seldom felt farther from God than I do on a daily basis right now.   Why?  Legitimate question.

I have felt for some time a growing disconnection with my church.  Part of it, I suppose, is simply that church is a greater struggle than it was in the past:  older children often mean more activities on the weekend.  But what I have found is that even when I go, I have no real sense of going to meet God or even being fed by His Word.

In a lot of ways this is the least I have been involved in a church life - I go on Sundays.  That is all.  I do not really do anything else with the church - part of this is due my schedule (I cannot do most meetings due to work and taxing Na Clan), and part of this - frankly - is tied up in an unfortunate incident where the involvement I was doing was terminated with no explanation.  This is a great change from where I - and indeed, my family - was six years ago when we moved where we were heavily involved not only in church on Sunday's but church throughout the week.

But that is what changed.  What needs to change?

A new church? Probably, for the sake of myself if no other.  This attendance because I have to and no other reason is making church a great deal like work, with all of the attendant issues of resentment and disconnection I have with my current career choice.  And that is certainly not the point of church - it is to become involved in a community and to worship God and live out the Gospel.

And my internal life, my prayer life?  Alas, no easy answer here.  A simple thought to "Prayer More and Harder"  does not change the facts.  There is something here, some impediement or block, that is keeping me from speaking to and hearing from God as I need to.

The wind is undoing all of the work I spent in the yard two days ago raking up leaves - this I know without sticking my head outside of the door.  Would that God's Spirit would do the same in my own life, stirring the dust that lies over my soul.