A Gentle MIsconstruing of Purpose

I wonder if I have misconstrued my purpose.

I thought I had worked it out in my mind:  I was an encourager.  I was there to help lift other people up to succeed at whatever it was they were trying to do.  I was there to be a helper - perhaps in my my mind, a loyal servant, eager to do what I could - listen, assist, service, raise up - to help.

But I have been questioning that.

I suppose the error might be on my own part.  This was a role that I appointed for myself.  There was no sense that this was "God-Given", except that I was trying to find such a role after the things I thought were those roles - first ministry, then leadership in the Church - were demonstrated to be ideas that I had in my own mind.  I had tried to craft a meaningful mission statement as well  - "To Write for Impact, To Preserve for the Future, To Lead for Change, To Glorify God".  but that really did not seem to work out either:   my writing for change truly seems limited to this blog and inspirational quotes I post, the preservation for the future - The Ranch - has become impossible to contemplate when I am so far away, my leadership attempts have never really worked out the way I hoped (I always envisioned the strong, noble leader - instead I am the first among equals who does get things done but not in a strong, noble way), and only God truly knows if I qualify in glorifying Him.

Which leads me here:  what happens when you realize you purpose may have been not what you thought it was?

I am judging by results, and my results seem to be haphazard at best.  The reality I perceive is those I thought I was providing this to have moved on from it - or maybe they have simply got what they needed and carried on, which I suppose would be a justification that it was the right thing.  In either event, I find myself at a painful crossroads:  the purpose I thought I had seemingly done with no direction of where to go next.

It might sound like I am am angry or bitter.  I am not.  Confused is a more appropriate assessment, maybe a little hurt in the confusion.  If this is success of a purpose, I would have thought that would have felt, well, more accomplished - instead I am just sort of aimlessly floating in space, grasping at something (once again) which I thought was "it" but turns out at best to be just another step.

Where  do I go from here?  I have no real guidance.  I feel as if I have run out of ideas, leaving myself in a great heath of featureless heather and small bushes with no landmarks, no path leading to the next step.  I would love to say a time of meditation and consideration is here - but even within that thought, life rolls on.

But I can only turn my face towards the future. One thing I have learned, at great pain to myself:  once you realize that a purpose has passed, you must let it go.  One can never resurrect the dead, no matter how good and hopeful the intentions are.