Hammer Fall II

So it happened again, like it did here.  Hammer Fall.

Fortunately (and I use that word advisedly) I was spared as were many of my coworkers.  But if you work in any industry, you know the drill.  Some were not.  Some were friends.

The internal workings of the mind seem to be the same, interestingly enough.  First the curious thoughts of seeing certain individuals where they shouldn't be.  Then the rumors start:  maybe a call.  Maybe an e-mail.  Maybe actually seeing someone.  And the Fear starts.

What is going on?  Is it us?  Are there more?   Who are they?  Are they done?  Perhaps an e-mail comes out but that does not always relieve the stress - this was not really known before, who knows if this will truly be the end?

One finds out what one can of course and tries to at least communicate to calm a department.  Yes, this is happening.  No, I do not know who all is affected.  Yes, there will be a follow up meeting.  Yes, we will sort through it at that time.  No, I did not know.  Until then, just carry on.

And then the  meeting.  obviously emotional.  The most uncomfortable kind of meeting.  Silence.  Ironically it is in the same room as where most meetings happen, so in the midst of a very somber tone the faint echos of happier times rebound in the back of one's memory. 

Someone speaks, Someone else speaks, the same.  Rationale and reasons are given, new direction vaguely discussed (the fallout is not fully understood), and the inevitable "Are there any questions?" is asked.  Utter silence ensues.  Someone coughs.  Lots of looking around at the ceiling, the floor, each other - and maybe towards the individual who asked that question, even as the eyes are carefully shaded to avoid making contact.

The day is pretty much shot of course.  One tries to accomplish this or that but it always seems to come back to that single question:  What next?  And how does it impact me?

I cannot know the future and would not guess if I could.  The only thing I can accurately say is that having been through this before there will be a changed environment when I get back.  Like it or not, realize it consciously or not, everything will be underpinned by the slightest sense of what happened.  Holes in lunches will be noted.  A lack of names on e-mails will be a constant reminder.  Above it all, the uncomfortable reminder that  bad things can really happen to good people - and the unfortunate knowledge that we can do little to prevent it.