Overly Dependent

After a lot of thinking this weekend, I realized that I am exceptionally dependent on the opinions of others.

This has gone on for a very long time- how long, I cannot fully say.  What I can say without question is that when I look back over the course of my life, I rely heavily on the opinions of others for my own self image.

This is incredibly crippling, as you might think.  It ensures that I will never truly "do" anything as I will always be looking over my shoulder for approval.  It ensures that I will never truly be able to move forward because I am constantly looking for the "recognition"  (read "approval") of others.  It means that opinions and thoughts and dreams of my own become subject to whatever other people think.

I am clever about it too, almost deviously so: I try to get others to share my interests or thoughts so that I am passively getting their support.  Random comments thrown out in hopes that I will have them engage support is hardly a sign of independence on my part.

So what to do?  It is incredibly easy yet incredible difficult:  learn to go on without being emotionally dependent.

It sounds like it should be simple, but there is a certain mental toughness involved - something that I lack at the moment.  There is also the very real possibility that those who previously believed that they had a power over you by your emotional dependence will become angered and upset when they realize that are no longer subject to their whims.  That you will do what you will do whether or not their emotional support is there.

The possibilities entice me; the level of adjustment to get to it terrifies me.  But am in my mid-life and am rapidly reaching a crossroads:  spend the second half as I did much of the first, looking to others to make me feel better about myself, or boldly press on in the knowledge that I am truly capable, no matter what others may think.