An Unsettling Feeling

Last night we had our first reaction drill at Iaijutsu. In this drill, you are attacked by an opponent - perhaps knowing the strike, perhaps not.  It is your job to block the attack and then counterattack. 

When sensei announced it I felt a sense of discomfort.  I suddenly realized that I had not done a reaction drill since July. 

I felt a little discomfort.

I did not really know why.  It is not as if I do not train with these people week after week.  It is not as what happened was anything other than a true accident.  Still, I had a sense of something I had not had in some time.  I realized that it was fear.

Fear of what?  Fear of being struck?  Not really - everyone is very careful, especially now.  Fear of not performing well?  Possibly - I worry that I am not the best of students and compared to many, I am slow.  Fear of looking foolish?  See above - I am not a graceful dancer with the bokuto but more of a farmer flailing out his grain.  I am not totally sure - all I know is that I self conscious on a level I have not been for been for some time.

I went through the exercise of course.  My first round was rough.  My cuts were bad, my hands misplaced.  My blocks were not the best and I hardly tried to to do anything original or different like I should have.  I made the attempt and was not totally disgraced in it, though it was hardly my best effort.

In retrospect driving home I wondered what went wrong.  I am in situations which could create this sort of reaction all the time.  Why now? The fear of injury?  Or the fear that performance will reveal what I fear to be true, that my skill level is not what I want to believe it is.

I am not completely sure.  All I can do is practice harder and overcome the fear with competence.