Struggling

I am struggling this week.

I feel powerless to change anything.  My life seems completely overtaken by events beyond my ability to change them.

Work is slowly devolving into a long list of things that simply needs to be done - and not enough people to do them.  The impending departure of An Ghearmannich  and the absence of Fear Beag has given me a taste of what life will be like from here on out:  too much work, too much quiet, no spirit.  In other words, a typical office environment.

The triumph of the status quo has not helped either.  Within two weeks we will be right back where we were, sacrificing another period of time to do another update meeting for another set of people who won't be doing any of the work.  The changes I kept hoping would come - daring I use the word fantasizing would come? - have not arrived.  I am reminded, yet again, that I am merely someone to do the work that others command - and make it ridiculously easy for them to do in the process.

More help?  Unknown.  The appropriate paperwork was filed.  That said, the filing of paperwork is scarcely a guarantee of anything, let alone of actually getting the help one needs.  And that is just the listing of the position - there is still the culling, the interviewing, the realization that you will probably not get what you had. 

All the time grappling with the concept that your department has one of the most critical roles in the company - as defined by law - and yet it has the least of people to carry them out.

Home feels little better.  Our lives have devolved into a series of schedules, transporting one here and another there and making sure things happen on time.  Add to this the daily things that simply need to be done in life - dishes washed, clothes put away, general picking up - and suddenly the time has simply been whisked away. 

I try to convince myself that my feelings are deriving from a lack of sleep so I try to go to bed earlier.  I am unsuccessful in my effort as I still seem to wake up the same amounts of time - and everything that has to be done is still there.

I am trying to find some shred of encouragement, so sign that all of this is leading to some greater end that I simply cannot see right now.  All I seem to keep coming back to is a list of e-mails in the in-box of my life, all bearing tasks to do or requests to do things which have not been done.

There are times, I suppose, I dreamed of being a leader.  I find I am simply a doer of tasks.