Bifurcation

Something is annoyingly under the surface of my life.

There seems to be a bifurcation developing, creating two different parts of my life.  In one I am relatively happy, making decisions, planning, moving forward on things.  In the other I am plodding along, seemingly trapped in old paradigms and old ways, becoming increasingly unhappy.

Where is this bifurcation coming from?  It seems deeply connected to my ongoing endeavors in parts of my life which I can specifically control. 

Example:  My participation in Highland Athletics has been one of the great things to happen in the last 5 years of my life - not only because of the fact that I am in better shape, but that it is something that I have improved in and am continuing to improve in.  And all of this - participation, strength, improvement - lies completely within my control.

A lovely side effect of activities such as this is that I have connected with others that are interested in the same effort and improvement.  Everyone in Highland Athletics is seeking to do a little better, improve their score a little bit.  You cannot imagine what it is like to be around such a group.

And again, all of this is under my control.

I compare this with other areas of my life, such as my current career, where so much is not under my control and so much is more just getting through the day rather than really seeking to improve and get better.  There is no energy, no excitement, merely the continuing sense of a duty that needs to be accomplished.

(Why is it this desire for improvement is not everywhere?  Worthy of another blog post, I suspect).

Where do this two trails end up?  I am not really sure.  I suspect that two such very different experiences cannot continue to exist within the same frame of reference for a long period of time without one taking the other over.  I even suspect I know which one - because energy and drive and direction will always overpower the sense vague sense of merely needing to carry on.