An Unknown Crossing

It is Friday night and I am writing.

I know this is not a typical thing for me.  But I find myself deeply troubled this evening.  An event happened at work which has left me feeling....odd:  a coworker left.

Not a planned leaving anyone was aware of.  Not a leaving I directly expected.  Not a leaving that was mentioned 30 minutes before they left.

An e-mail.  And then they were gone.

It troubles me because in my heart of hearts it feels like I was on the wrong side of this equation: one of them.  The Bosses.  The Man.  The Power.  The People You Do Not Tell What Is Really Going On.

This bothers me.  It bothers me deeply, actually.  I hate being left out of the loop - especially when I like to think of myself of someone that is in touch with the pulse of what is going on from day to day:  the pulse, the ebb and flow of the environment.  Instead, I find myself on the outside looking in:  confused, wondering what I could have done better or differently - maybe not avert the actual leaving but to at least be in a position to wish a cheery "Good Luck".

Have I bought into the system that much?  Am I trying to "get ahead" in a system or in a way that leaves me isolated from what I was, or what I once hoped to be?

This person was not a silly person - they were intelligent, talented, very capable, fun humorous - exactly the sort of coworker one could hope for.  It is always a matter of great concern when such a person leaves.

The second thing - a lesser issue to be sure - is simply the sense of yet another person going.  I have seen so many people leave over the last 4 years - many good friends, good people, moving on to better things. 

We will go in on Monday.  Some sort of announcement will be made of course:  the incident will be downplayed, someone else will be brought in, and life will go on.  In some fashion the position will be filled - even if the hole in our little dysfunctional family will not.

But it will still leave me with a question as I get up and walk out of the room:  what have I become, or what am I perceived as, that I seem to have crossed over a divide I never knew I traveled?