Defeat

From the heights of confidence to the depths of despair in one day.

There's nothing like coming home at the end of the day in which you had started out so strong to find that you are completely undone.

Sure, there were a lot of factors: the sudden realization that you are completely filling the position of someone before you except two levels (and two paygrades) below them, including the part where you have become "legally liable"; the mysterious expenses that continually seem to nibble away at any attempt for a budget; the fact that unlike every department around you, you are truly on your own in terms of management or collegial support; a potential interview suddenly looks like it's much less of a good deal; and the simple fact that you woke up essentially at 0230 and didn't really successfully go back to sleep.

It's made essentially more disheartening by the fact that that very more, you were brimming with confidence that "You can" - but by the time you crawl into bed, it's more a weak call of "Well, maybe I could possibly..."

So what do you do? Well, this morning I went through the same routine I did the day before. Yes, I didn't feel nearly as confident as I did yesterday, but I did the activities anyway. Am I feeling any more confident? No, not really - I tried to manufacture the sensation, but it doesn't seem to have worked.

But maybe that is okay. Maybe that is part of the whole process - not just that self belief, but simply the will to get up after a day of defeats and try again. Even that process of trying, perhaps, is a form of self belief.

Once more into the breech dear friends, once more.