Finding a Calling

Do Callings call?

I'm wondering that because I'm still digesting through the backwash of my last year and my review. Simply put, the take away lesson was no matter how hard I work on tasks that keep daily operations going it is irrelevant: only so much as I do what others feel need to be done is there any method to success.

I cannot begin to relate how debilitating this has been to my work day. I am simply sapped of energy from before I leave the house until well after I arrive home. Work has become a grinding exercise in covering myself and slowing down to the point that I can be well assured I will not accomplish everything I know I will need to do - and in the knowing, I am even more dispirited.

But the most alarming thing happened yesterday as I was going about my business making copies to insert in a binder. I suddenly had the feeling that I was completely drained of my personality, myself: that I was little more than an extension of the company, that I was no longer myself.

The frightening thing was that I was too numb to care.

And that's why I ask: do callings call? I've no idea myself - I don't know if my brain if fried, but it simply cannot fathom the fact of doing something else other than what I do, even though I dislike what I do.

But I fear what another 2 years, let alone 20, of doing this will look like. Would I even recognize myself at the end, or will there simply be a shell, waiting for someone to tell it what to do?