Tuesday Blues

Struggling this morning with a subject to write about.

It stems from this horrible wave of sameness in my life - or, to quote my mind talking to myself this morning, "The sudden realization that the best years of your life are behind you."

The sameness of living permeates my life now. I awake predicatably at the same time at night, and wake up at the same time in the morning. My day, from the moment I get up to virtually the time I go to bed, has essentially become one long pre-programmed event of responsiblities and intereactions with occassional activities.

I keep trying to find little ways to spark up my life, to make small changes - but they seem to be inevitably overrun by the irresistable tide of entropy that constitutes most of my daily life.

I keep reminding myself that responsibility and accountability are good, mature traits to have, even as it feels that these very traits are the ones which are slowly plunging me beneath the surface of life by sheer weight.

Future? Dreams? Hopes? These things take less and less shape as the days go by, dissolved in the harsh light of a seeming reality that mandates that which must be done. Dreams and hopes almost become mockeries of themselves, vain imaginings reeking of the fantasies of youth.

"The sudden realization that the best years of your life are behind you." I'd say I state that with tongue in cheek, but I don't know that I really do. When life becomes measured in shorter and shorter increments of time, responsibilities, denials of desires and dreams, the long haul of "doing the right thing", the future seems to become not a bright sunrise of possibilities but the dull gray leaden sky of a clouded over sunset, promising rain.