Fear

Having arrived home after my quick jaunt around the company doing audits, I was confronted by a couple of things as I went and visited other companies and talked about what I do:

1) I seem to move around a lot.

2) I am tired of living in fear.

1) Move around a lot? In the course of my audit conduct, I ran into numerous people that have been in their positions 5, 6, 10 years. I have an average life span (over my entire working life) of just over 13 months; in my current industry, I'm guessing it's about 1.5 years. If I'm moving around so much, is this because I keep trying to find something that is not in those jobs?

2) I realized, as I dealt with the issues of work as I was away doing work, that I spend a lot of time (in regards with my job) living in fear: fear of what my superiors will do, fear of what others will do, fear of having to deal with confrontation, fear of simply not having a job. I literally say that every day, in some fashion, I have to deal with fear as I get out of the car and walk in the door.

Why? I'd love to say that it is due to the fact that I work in difficult personal circumstances (which may be true). Unfortunately, I also think that it is due to the fact that I work with my own issues as well.

I have always struggled with the fact that others are in control of my life - work especially. I have little patience for those that say "Do This" not knowing (or caring) what it requires to do that. I also find that I hate being overruled - either let me do it, or tell me how you want it done, but don't "empower" me and then do it your way.

What this leads to is being afraid: afraid of discussing issues, afraid of making a decision, afraid of doing what you understand is the decision but having the rug jerked out from you at the last second.

Fear drains. Fear depresses. Fear makes you tired and unwilling.

And my fear seems to bleed into #1. Why would I continue to move around if I found what made me happy? Does my fear drive my need to leave every job because I end up freaking myself out?

I'm not sure, but I have a lot of thinking to do. All I know is that I am tired of being afraid.