Lost

I am adrift without moorings.

I have been nagged over the last week with a feeling of increasing, I do not know how to say it: aimlessness, purposelessness, lack of direction - like the boundaries of one's life have expanded to the point that they simple do not connect one to another, and therefore have no current meaning or ability to guide one.

It's as if the old paradigms of my life no longer make sense. In some ways this seems logical: I don't have a job currently, so the structure of a job and life arranged around that job would of course not be present. But there is a greater sense that the paradigms of my life no longer make sense, as if I am thrust into a world barely hinted at with no instruction except the knowledge that I should be doing something.

The odd thing is that even if I were to get offered a job on Monday (the earliest any such thing could happen), I would not be the same man that left the industry a bare month ago. Something happened, something I cannot fully define except to know that it has occurred - and this colors my perceptions.

It is a damnable thing, this knowing without understanding. It relentlessly drives one to some action, even as it will not suggest the action it requires. It is the sense of great things occurring without and occurring within, and being prevented from truly seeing either one - or what I am to do about them.

It is odd to me because I don't recall this kind of...of...aimlessness and unease the last time I got laid off. I marked time, looked for work, and pretty much went in the same as I went out 1.5 years earlier. This feels different; a month should not make this kind of difference.

It makes one want to scream "Tell me what you want and I'll do it" - to hear only the echo of the request banging through one's brain.

It is a veiled mystery. I do not like veiled mysteries. I like clarity and focus, because that can guide me.

This only seems to leave me in one place, tempted to go five others but not knowing what to do or how to get there.