Afraid of a Mirror

I having a moment of not be willing to look at myself.

As I mentioned, I am going through Who Are You and What Do You Want? by Mick Ukleja and Robert Lorber. As part of this exercise, I am performing the exercises at the end of each chapter.

Or I was.

What I have found is that I am becoming increasingly resistant to doing them. Not as if my hand is trying to throttle me ever time I go for the book; no, it's more insidious: finding other things I have to do first, or saying to myself "I really don't have the time to completely do this right now", or continually intending to but never really doing it. It's quite remarkable.

I say remarkable because here I am, a man of (almost) 42, increasingly unwilling to do the hard work of internal examination. Not even self-criticism: personal examination, things like strengths and skills and obligations, and what I would like to be.

Why is this?

If I had to make an honest assessment, it's because with knowledge, comes responsibility. For me to become aware of these things is to become responsible to act upon them. And I suppose that frightens me.

Why is this?

Because it will mean I have to do - it no longer becomes an option of "Oh, I think that's a good idea" or "That's something I should do someday." To become aware is to know that God's gifting is there: not to be hidden in the ground, but to be honed and shined and used.

And that, that is the terrifying thing.