I confess that I do not know as much Wendell Berry as I should. That strikes me as a bit of shame, as the works of his that I have read (The Gift of Good Land, The Long-Legged House, The Unsettling of America) has resonated with me when I have read them. I have not read his fiction, of which it seems there is nothing but good things written (Gene Logsdon spoke highly of him).
Berry can haunt me, the way that Gene Logsdon does when I read him, a combination of life as it is, a sort of wistful remembering of life as it was, an adaptation to life as it is, and a hopeful belief in live as it could be. It is the sort of combination that very much seems at odds with so much of what pass for information exchange, entertainment, and knowledge in the modern world. Too often only one of those things is mentioned or perhaps two, all with the strident clarion of an ill-tuned trumpet rather than the careful plucking of a harmony on strings.
---
I have to confess that here, at the end of 2025, I feel a bit lost, looking for that harmony.
There are multiple contributory parts; there always are of course, at last for the big problems. One, rather simply, is that with the eventual pending sale of The Ranch and the effective relocation to New Home 2.0, there is a very odd sense of not having a "home" like I have in years past. Home was as much of a geographic location as it was a place that my people were; now, for the first time, it is very much a nomadic concept based almost entirely on people who themselves are prone to move.
Another factor is simply the changing roles of life. I remain a son, but in the remnant of my parents' existence, not an active role. I remain a family member to an extended family that is moving farther apart as time goes on. In my close family, I hold the role of father although in an advisory role instead of a parenting role - the same role, as it turns out, as in my job, where I give advice and experience with the tacit acknowledgement that this role could very well be my last one.
In my activities, I have the sudden realization that old things that I used to enjoy are just as enjoyable as they ever were, combined with the finite sense that there is only so much that I can do in a day, a week, a month, a year. And that, like it or not, choices now have to made in some cases.
God? Yes and no. No, in the sense that this place, this church that we now attend, is one that I am meant to be at. Yes in the sense that I do not know where my role is meant to be.
Even my writing, of late, has seemed more of a chore than a genuine pleasure. It is not that there are not things to write about; perhaps it is simply that finding things to write about that are non-controversial becomes harder and harder.
Last perhaps, is simply my relationship with the the larger social and political world. I find now, almost daily, that I truly belong nowhere and to no belief. I often find myself in disagreement with one side, yet now more and more find myself in disagreement with the other. There is a harsh rancor which fills too much of almost everything, print and video and audio. The edge in people's voices, whether verbal or written, becomes more evident almost daily.
Berry's words ring true to me.
---
There is a sense - originally quiet, but growing louder as time goes on - that I am a turning a corner into 2026, a corner that has taken almost two years to manifest itself.
To use a hiking analogy, I have the equipment, I have a guide - but I have no known destination and no idea of what I will do along the way or when I arrive. To be clear, that is a terrible way to hike.
Strangely enough, this does not bother me as much as I might think that it would.
In some ways, the world is filled with possibilities again, the sorts of possibilities that have not appeared since maybe I was in college and "the future" was something to be defined, not a track that I had stumbled into and could now not escape due to the multitude of invisible threads that tied me to it. There is a sense in which, for the first time in a long time, I can "choose".
And perhaps, as Berry suggests, I have finally arrived at my real work and real journey.
What a remarkable thing, to in some ways be starting over.
Aye TB, one journey drawing to an ending and another looms ahead in the mist. A well done and thoughtful post this day, good luck in choosing your path and thanks for letting us accompany you for a bit...:)
ReplyDeleteNylon12, I am not sure how this suddenly hit me. I suspect this Christmas was sort of the final gate, when one suddenly turns and finds that the gate has shut on one.
DeleteThe Ravishing Mrs. TB and I have spent some time lately - and likely will spend more - discussing what the next steps are longer term, but both of us seem to feel that New Home is now something in the past, not the future.
Thanks for sticking along for the ride. I appreciate your companionship.
I am a huge fan of Wendell Berry. I should consider reading more of his works, maybe sometime this year (as I have no current reading plan).
ReplyDeleteFinding things to write about that are non-controversial, sheesh. I've always tried to think through what I want to say and choose words and phrases that are neutral. But somehow there are inevitably people who want to nit-pick or find fault with everything. But I picked up an insight from one of my sisters-in-law after what I found to be a frustrating conversation. She revealed that she thought the whole point of discussion is to argue the opposite view. She found it exhilarating, I found it frustrating.
In terms of writing, it takes a lot of work to remain objective. Even then there are criticizers to deal with and lately I'm thinking it takes too much energy to deal with them. I'm thinking there are better things to do with my time.
If I may be so bold as to presume, I find the very phrase "argue the opposite view" telling. Though 'argue' may be a term rooted in less pugnacious definitions, it carries undeniable connotations in the modern use: needlessly loud, frequently vigorous, and overwhelmingly vehement.
DeleteI am not given to on-the-spot oration even when I have all my thoughts in order. Why, then, would I bother to engage with someone who has told the whole world loudly, proudly, and unceasingly that they refuse to entertain a word I have to say? Such people, perhaps even such a world, is one worth little consideration.
Give me a quiet discussion, a thing of shared learning and genuine attempts at understanding, no matter if they bear fruit, instead of a cacophonic and vitriolic waste of my precious time. I can find enough of those on the toilet, thank you.
Leigh, how timely! I was also going over my potential reading lists for 2026. I should think to look at my local library for more Berry works (as well as re-reading the ones I have).
DeleteNon-controversial has become a challenge any more. It is a surprise to me how many fences are around almost every conversation - to be fair, others do that for me as well, knowing I do not like to to discuss certain things. I have pretty heavily curated what I see as well, so my inputs are limited - which is fine by me.
What disturbs me is the fact that people have become so self assured in their "rightness" that the fail to see how they are coming off. We never force people (long term anyway) into believing anything, we convince them. And nothing is less convincing that an attitude or a practice that makes them especially into something that we do not want to be ourselves.
I find your sister-in-law's input interesting. From my point of view, arguing the other side is not the point, learning is. But even for me, it can be hard to discuss things about which I feel passionate without getting emotionally involved as well. Part of that is feeling there may be weaknesses in my own point of view. That, I realize, is a failing and can be fixed with gaining more knowledge about such things.
It does take a lot of energy to deal with the critics. Honestly, I am finding I have less interest in writing about such things. The amount of time that it takes me to generate something versus someone with a single comment is not a cost/benefit ratio I am interested in maintaining anymore.
P_P - "Why, then, would I bother to engage with someone who has told the whole world loudly, proudly, and unceasingly that they refuse to entertain a word I have to say? Such people, perhaps even such a world, is one worth little consideration."
DeleteThis, this, this. This precisely explains where we are in a nutshell, and why I have so little interest engaging anymore. People too often preach or present as fact and will bear no discussion about the issue - on either side. And remarkably, both sides seem to be losing interest in fixing issues, or at least in fixing them until they have "thrown their enemy down and smote their ruin upon the mountain" (to quote J.R.R. Tolkien).
"Give me a quiet discussion, a thing of shared learning and genuine attempts at understanding, no matter if they bear fruit, instead of a cacophonic and vitriolic waste of my precious time. " Anymore, a very rare thing, my friend. Thanks for being along for the ride.
'the world is filled with possibilities again'
ReplyDeleteYou are in exactly the right place, TB. Keep going.
Thank you, Anon. I am both strangely excited and a little nervous - but yes, I think I am exactly where I am meant to be.
DeleteI hit that point, too. Clarity lets me know where I am on the map. Then, the way to the next objective is pretty easy to pick out. When the lungs went, I basically ceased to exist as I had. My universe collapsed. I was THE goto guy. The paraclete. Now, I know things, but the doing is mostly beyond me. I never needed the ability to plan and direct, I always came into the existing schedule and made it happen by the deadline. New skills to be sure. It's been an eventful, exciting four years. And this path was so obscure, that I never could have planned it. God had a surprise! All I can say is: Find out where He is going and prepare to be amazed. Follow His lead, keep up, don't lag.
ReplyDeleteMy little histories are my way of saying "I hear you"... maybe even to spur a thought or shine a light in a dark corner to help you along your way. Your a good thinker TB, and you make me think, too. THAT is a gift. Don't worry about controversy. Jesus said the world will hate you. I've often wondered if you can do Christian correctly and appeal to any but the few.
STxAR - Thank you, friend. It comforts me that this is a point that you have been at as well (though you got there a different way). And I still have two years to run versus your timetable!
DeleteThere is - oddly enough - a very real sense that God is here with me now. One should probably say "here with us", as I am not the only one on this journey. My experiences with my church continue to reinforce that.
Thanks for the kind words about making you think. That is, ultimately, what I hope to do, in an atmosphere where we can all think together. And I am trying to become less worried about "controversy", as it increasingly becomes not worth the time it takes to answer it.
Honestly, the more I have thought recently about the Christian life and living it well, the more I wonder if it can be done "correctly" and not appeal to the few. People - myself more than most - do not like our personal understandings and myths crushed against God's actual Word.