I hate criticism.
Saying that, of course, is to perhaps state a commonly held axiom: no-one "likes" criticism. But I have a special dislike of it, an aversion that is sometimes unreasonable in my attempts to avoid it.
It is fair to ask where it comes from. Frankly, I have no idea. I could come up with a possible source, my relationship with TB The Elder when I was younger, but that feels like the standard sort of excuse one could pick out of any commonly available psychology book. I cannot think of any particularly jarring incident.
All I can tell you is that I do not like it.
I do not have a problem with self criticism - of a certain sort. I will routinely "bash" myself in conversation, almost to the point that people will look at me in disbelief. It is another habit, a habit likely born of getting people to react or laugh in tough situations by giving them something else to focus on. But the criticism is never lasting or impactful in that sense: I know what I am bad at or fail at and can rip myself to shreds over it, but it seldom changes me.
Neither of these, of course, is the point of the quote of Ephraim of Arizona above.
Accepting - truly accepting - criticism requires the sort of humility that I can only grasp at times. It requires the ability to listen without judgement, accept the truth without defense, and then act on the criticism. It is incredibly hard to do when I am invested in my own correctness or the incorrectness of the source or just the source indeed (how many times have I received useful criticism from people I may have had problems with!). It means being willing and ready, at all times, to set aside practices and beliefs that I may have had for years or decades.
Not all criticism is the same, of course. There is criticism for doing the right thing or unreasonable criticism for not being everything someone else expects; this can (and should) be easily ignored. But too often I confuse the two, letting my opinion of the other or the situation exclude the point that I am being told something about myself that I can better.
If, as the Geronda suggests, agitation about the criticism is a measure of my ego, then I still have a very long way to go.
I don't often receive, or give criticism though I am fairly critical of myself. I guess I don't criticize very often for a couple reasons. First and foremost, I come back to the biblical teaching of letting those without guilt cast the first stone. Secondly, I have always felt that complimenting was a lot stronger than criticism. I assume others feel the same and that is the reason I don't receive much criticism. Of course, my optimism may be such that I just don't interpret it as a criticism.
ReplyDeleteEd, I have tried to become much less critical (or at least struggled to be so) than I was when I was younger. I have come to appreciate more both your admonition of them without sin casting the first stone as well as an appreciation that people face struggles I have no idea about. That said, I think society is much less into direct criticism (at least in the work environment, and so one either gets a "compliment sandwich" (compliment, criticism, compliment) or the criticism is so diffuse one has to almost guess at it. I fear I miss people's well meaning reflections due to it being hidden beneath layers of current social norms.
DeleteNot being at work any longer and a smaller family pool that has gotten even smaller over the past decade helps when dealing with criticism. Yet dealing with criticism means looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting what was said, something I'm still working on TB.
ReplyDeleteLess people helps me with the outer, Nylon12 - but like you, the looking into the mirror and seeing what stares back to me is a life long journey.
DeleteYou are on to something. Made me think a bit today.
ReplyDeleteI find it difficult at times, too. Especially when it hits one of my blind spots. Doubly especially if its pointed at a coping mechanism. Dad was never happy, I sure couldn't please him as a kid. I realize now he was prone to depression. "Story of my life..." always popped out in a brittle voice when things went sideways. Along with other saltier such like. Mom went from a caring person to ignoring me and treating me like I had leprosy when I was about 10. I never understood what happened, I just assumed I had done something to deserve it. We never spoke about it. Some things were beyond conversation. So, I developed as a semi-civilized feral young man. How I coped as a youth didn't work in adulthood. But I was in my 50's when I figured out a lot of that. Life is a long process. It's not a sprint, but an Iron Man competition. Pacing and perseverance, I reckon.
STxAR - Blind spots are hard. Those are often the places we need it the most but if it is not delivered in a way that we can hear it, we miss it through a haze of defensive reactions and anger.
DeleteMy father and I struggled with each other until I was in my early 20's. It was only within the last 10 years of his life that I started to get a different perspective on his life: the 3rd of five children, his older brother was killed by a drunk driver and at the age of 9 or so, he was basically left to fend for himself as his father was taking care of his mother and his oldest brother was taking care of his younger sister and brother. He moved around a lot growing up and they were likely what would be considered poor for the era. Those experiences impacted him in ways that he did not have the ability to work through at that time. In later years he realized that he, too, was depressed, and apologized more than once for the relationship.
An Iron Man competition is an apt reference; after all, we are spiritual athletes on the road for a great prize, Eternal LIfe.
TB,
ReplyDeleteYour ongoing efforts and willingness to plumb the depths of your self awareness and then cultivate and nurture the insights garnered by fleshing out via your writings is actually quite refreshing!
In my experience, rigorously honest introspection such as this can first assist and then subsequently serve one rather well to help keep ones ego in check.
Early on, I was told (repeatedly) that a truly humble person will not need to be put in their place as they will already be there…
It’s a journey. Thanks for sharing yours!
-a fellow traveler
B - Thank you for your kind words. I have to admit you make my writing sound a lot more fancy than it really easy; I just write the only way I know how.
DeleteWould that I had practiced such rigorous introspection years ago; it would have made some things easier or relationships better.
My favorite humility thought is from C.S. Lewis, who points out that humble person does not really think of themselves (in that sense) at all.
Honest criticism, taken honestly, allows change. Honest criticism, taken to an extreme and internalized negatively, is nihilism. Honest criticism, ignored, is vanity. One of the three is Godly.
ReplyDeleteOh, such wise words John! I have never heard it described that way, but super spot on.
DeleteWell, I'd better scribble it down, then!
Delete(Hurriedly tries to find a pencil...)
DeleteI was going to just commiserate with you, TB, but reading John's post above stopped me in my tracks. Wow. I need to think on that the next time I'm feeling uncomfortable receiving criticism.
ReplyDeleteIt was a really good one, was it not? Certainly changed how I might view criticism.
DeleteI think what matters is the motive of the person giving the criticism. There's a difference between someone who cares enough to want to help and someone who is just being mean spirited. I've had several of those over my life. But in the moment it's hard to discern and being a people pleaser makes it harder. Sometimes it takes years to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteIt does, Leigh. I do think this is one place where modern culture falls completely flat. So much of criticism today is "mean spirited", said out of anger or spite or rage (we are seeing a lot of that recently). And the relationship matters as well: I am generally more inclined to receive criticism from those with whom I have a relationship and a belief that at some level, they have my best interests in mind. And yet there are times where a stranger gives me more insight in a single sentence than years of talking with acquaintances.
Delete