Essentialism (XXIII) Eliminate: Limit

 "No is a complete sentence" - Ann Lamott

The disappearance of boundaries, says McKeown, is typical of the Nonessentialist era in which we live.

Technology has not helped this, of course.  Even at the time of the publihsing of Essentialism in 2014, McKeown notes that technology had already made more things possible like calendars with Saturday meetings.  It is far worse now, of course, in that with the democratization of the InterWeb and the regular issuance of personal computers to employees and The Computer in Our Pockets, we are accessible at any time of the day or night.  

But more than just the technology, the fact is that that technology would not matter if it were not for the lessening of boundaries between personal/family and business life - as McKeown, notes, "It is hard to imagine executives in most companies would be comfortable with employees bringing their children to work on a Monday morning, yet they seem to have no problem expecting their employees to come into the office or to work on a project on a Saturday or Sunday."

Boundaries, he notes, are a lot like the walls of a sandcastle: Let one fall down and eventually they all fall down.  And it can be uncomfortable, and even job or relationship ending, to say "No" to such requests.  Yet Mckeown notes that not pushing back can cost us more: it costs us the ability to choose what is most essential.  If we do not set our boundaries, it is not that there will be no boundaries; it is that they will be set by someone else to serve their design, not yours.

Nonessentialists think of boundaries as constraints or limits, a sign of weakness in a productive life - after all, what successful person ever said "no" to opportunity?  Essentialists, on the other hand, seeing boundaries as freeing, setting aside time to work on their essential goals and objectives, not the goals and objectives of others.

There is a saying that goes something to the effect of "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" - that other people's failure to plan (or in this case, have boundaries) does not and should not mean that I stop what I am working on to address it.  And yet we all have these people in our lives, high-maintenance individuals who make their issues our issues, their purposes our purposes, their agendas the things that must be completed (instead of ours, of course).  How does the Essentialist push back?

1)  Don't rob people of their problems: Problems, it has been said, are opportunities in disguise.  That said, not all problems are our problems.  Sometimes they are problems of others who make their problem our problem.  Sometimes we have to take on that problem (say, at work when my manager brings me an issue that must be dealt with and they cannot); other times though, they are problem which we somehow choose to take on or are saddled with.  This can look like a pet project (not critical) that someone else asks us to take on or being asked to review something that is not ready for prime time (you are being used as an unpaid editor) or someone that likes to talk when you critical items to do (to be fair, I am guilty of this).

The solution? Put up fences.  Demarcate what is and is not your responsibility.  Do not deny people the ability to grow through their problems.

2)  Boundaries are a source of liberation:  Just as fences keep pets and children in from the dangers of roads by both expanding their total space and putting a barrier between them and traffic, setting up boundaries allows us to be "...free to select from the whole area - or the whole range of options - that we have deliberately chosen to explore."

3) Find your deal-breakers:  A deal-breaker is any kind of request or activity that you will refuse to say yeas to, unless such a request overlaps your own agenda or priorities.  Know what these are up front so you can easily say "no.

One method McKeown suggests for understanding these is to write down any time someone makes a request of you and you feel somehow violated or upon.  It may only be a "minor pinch", but it is likely that this is indicative of a hidden boundary that is a deal-breaker.

4) Craft social contracts:  McKeown relates a story in which, at being put with a colleague on project who approached such things a very different way - yet the project was successful and harmonious.  He credits this to the fact that at the beginning of the project, they sat down and McKeown defined what his priorities were, what he would and would not do for extra work - and asked his colleague to do the same.  They then worked through what they wanted to achieve on the project and what boundaries were necessary to use each other's time productively.  As a result, they were able to work on the essentials of the project to achieve it without the typical issues they often arise when different styles try to mesh without being conscious of where the boundaries are.

In the working world, these can sometimes look like Service Level Agreements (SLA):  what you should expect of me and what I should expect of you.

The great thing is that limits and boundaries, like with any habit, become easier to enforce and adhere to as they are practiced.

---

Application:

I am not very good at setting boundaries - or at least, not very good at keeping them intact.

Being a person who is highly people pleasing oriented does not help.  I am forever trying to be helpful (making other people's problems my own), bad at setting boundaries (lest I anger or disappoint people), unwilling to admit I have deal-breakers (see above), and almost never set up social contracts (possibly because that involves revealing more than I care to about myself, or at least feeling that way).

In other words, I could pretty much work on any one of these four areas and be 100% in the game.

Of them, the deal-breaker seems the most interesting me - somewhat surprisingly. I am often aware of that small "pinch".  I had no idea it could be indicative of a larger issue.  And I am sure, if I thought about it at all, there would be several deal-breakers lying around in plain view.

Of everything in the "Eliminate" category, this seems to be the one I have made the least progress on.