Thursday, April 19, 2018

Not Fitting In

If I have not clearly stated it before, I am clearly going through a phase of not fitting in at all in my current life.

I do not fit in where I go to church.  Increasingly I do not feel like that in at my career place.  I do not fit in at Throwing like I used to.  I have not (for a while) felt like I fit within my circle of friends.
(For the record, I do still fit at Iai and and the Rabbit Shelter - but rabbits are pretty pleasant companions).  In almost ever aspect of my life, I do not feel like I fit in.  The sense is that my life is slowly being compacted and pushed off a ledge over a cliff from which I can hear the waves of the raging sea.

The problem seems to be that I am not really fitting in anywhere else either.  If there are other places that I might fit in, these have not readily come to mind or readily presented themselves (not that there seems to have been time for that of late, however).  Instead, it seems the lamps of my life are slowly being extinguished one by one while I wait for a dawn which I hope is coming - think is coming - but have no real guarantee is coming.

I asked God about it tonight walking Poppy - really, let us be fair, it was someone more of an accusation.  "When, God?  When do things clear up?  When do I find the path forward?"

The answer I got was "Trust Me."

Not, as you can imagine, the clearest sort of answer I was hoping for.  A time frame gives us something to framer expectations and efforts around but simple trust is something that says an event can go for five minutes or fifteen years.  And there is no really hint of such a trust dawn except to pay careful attention to the world around you for the dim lightning which suggests that it may be finally coming.

But this was the only answer offered.

And so I wait in the gathering gloom of nightfall.  I can feel that there is a next step but, like a man in a cave, I can make no progress without injuring myself - until the dawn arrives.

4 comments:

PeteForester1 said...

I'm going through the same thing, TB; a strange sense of disconnect from family, career, church, etc; a profound sense of burnout. I've prayed, and have gotten the same things back: "Trust in Me. "Rest in Me." It seems like a frustratingly vague answer, but when you think about it, trusting in God is the cornerstone of a fulfilling life. Everything else is secondary.

When you get an answer like this, you know two things; God is there, and you're exactly where He wants you to be at this particular moment. So go with the answer to your prayers, TB, and don't forget; Jesus felt disconnected at times as well... "The stone the builders rejected..."

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

"A profound sense of burnout". That covers it very nicely Pete. And yes, although a cornerstone it is a very vague answer.

I hesitate to ask if it is an age or timing thing. Or maybe more people experience this than we know?

PeteForester1 said...

"...if it is an age or timing thing..." Probably a little of both, TB. For me, being in my late 50's, it's the realization that, for the most part my EARTHLY best days are behind me. I've reached the age where what I am is what I USED to be. I USED to be a military man in the greatest country on Earth. I USED to be able to mountain bike up hills that made other grown men cry. I USED to have a singing voice the people in church really liked. It's hard to come to grips with physical decline, especially as a man. At this point, I've come to grips with the fact that "it is what it its, and it ain't what it ain't." "I am what I am, and I ain't what I ain't." More importantly, I'm still here because God still has things for me to do. I'm still on patrol. I'm still on watch. When He's done with me, He'll bring me home.

Life's a game of chess, TB, and we're still on the board... Sit on your square, and wait for God's next move...

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

Pretty true for me as well Pete - maybe a little bit behind you in the curve but coming to the realization that there are simply things which I will never get to accomplish, possibly because of ability but more likely because of time.

But you are correct - we are still on the board. And even a pawn can be useful in God's game.