Sometimes I am still surprised when I suddenly discover I have grown up about something.
You would think that most this would have already been done. Growing as a person - certainly I can see that. I value it as a personal trait (most rational people do). But still growing up - shedding something was an unreasonable thing or seeing the world in a more clear light or realizing the responsibility really is yours? That surprises me a bit.
There is a bit of a let down, of course - after all, we like to think that we have gotten through most of that at this point in our lives. But then we realize that no, we have not. There are fantasies that we cling to long after they have passed, narratives that simply no longer make sense in the circumstances that face us. And having realized such things we can never go back at this point. The way forward seems perhaps clearer, but also perhaps colder and a little more calculated.
One begins to second guess one's self: are there other things that I am equally unaware of? Other places that I continue to dwell in simplicity and hope where clear eyed reality is what is called for at this point? Places where I have stubbornly failed to see what is actually occurring or missed not-so-subtle clues as to the way things are? There are, I am sure.
The sad part to me is that moments like these are the equivalent of the moment after the sword draw or the second after the arrow is released: everything has changed and it simply cannot be undone.